Life with social anxiety

Don't know what to do

2011-04-17T19:42:00.003+01:00

Been a very long time since I've even thought about this page. And alot has happened. I managed to keep my job for ages. But I couldn't take all the bullshit and bitching. Boss was going around making up lies about people, spreading rumours and just being a cunt. I gave up talking to him. Just in time for the company to announce that redundancies had to be made. My name was always going to be in the hat. But one person there simply couldnt do the job. Spending weeks at a time strimming, purely because he wasn't capable of doing anything else. I on the other hand am trained up on all the equipment, and I'm good at using it. Another person there, the deputy. What a cunt this lad is. Spreading rumours, lies, backstabbing, bullshit, just the boss' mini-me basically. He was the only person allowed to drive the big expensive tractor. Then one day he flipped it over. He was driving it somewhere he should never have been, on a steep bank, it rolled down and flipped over. Lots of damage, lots of money to repair. Guess what, the following week he was back in it. And still, no one else is allowed to drive it. And no, he wasn;t punished in any way. No sacking, no disciplinary, not even a verbal warning. So anyway, time to make people redunddant, and the boss continued lyin in the meeting, to my face, and I was sacked. Gutted. I still can't believe it. This was a couple of weeks before christmas, lovely. I have only now just got a job. At another golf course. 10 times further away, on a lot less money. I was excited just to be employed again. But it isn't working out. The course and the people who work there are scum. A couple of lads in charge, who take full advantage of being in charge. Shouting and swearing at everyone for making the tiniest mistake. It's horrible. I can't believe this is where I've ended up. I've only been there three days. But the boss has literally only spoken maybe five words to me. I havn't signed anything yet. They haven't asked for anyway to pay my wages. Basically if I was to pack it in tomorrow, there'd be no way of proving I've been working there. As much as I want a job, I can't stand it. The very worst part is, it has really made me realise just how good I am at the job. Only been there a few days but already I'm up on big machinery and being trusted to do important work. Basically they know they have got a bargain in me! I'm fully trained up, got a good few years experience at a top club and I'm being paid peanuts. I've never been so depressed. I just can't face going back there tomorrow. You should see the mess room. It's disgusting. It scares me to touch anything. The boss has his dog there, he's just allowed eveywhere, walks around on the table while everyone is eating. No cunt tells him to get down. I can't take it. If I quit, my mum will kill me. There simply aren't jobs out there. It's taken me four months to get this one. I can't believe I was made redundant from my last job, no way in hell I was the worst person there, NO WAY! And everyone knew it, and no one said anything. Just sat there, pleased it wasn't them. Can't say it didn't hurt. Especially my so called mates there. One had become literally my one and only mate. Even started going places with him outside of work. That was a MASSIVE thing for me. Went to his house, met his girlfriend and daughter. I was almost normal, so close! After my last day he txt me saying how much he'd miss working with me and how we'd be mates for a long time. I havn't seen him once since then. Had a few txts saying we should go out, I reply saying I'm free anytime, and then nothing. Think thats the worst bit of it. My life had a bit of stability, I held down a job for three years! Almost doubled my wages and had a job I quite enjoyed. Now, partly because of social anxiety but mainly down to me not sucking up to people, I am back where I was when I left school. I have no hope, and no luck. I had five numbers on the lottery a few weeks ago. Usually that would bring in a very nice sum of money, a good few thousand, definately a five figure amount. I won.... £700. Like I said, no luck, no hope and no chance. Thank you Mr Internet for letting me get that out

It's been a real long time

2009-11-15T14:51:00.002Z

Since I last posted here, I am still at my job, thats the only positive thing I can think of. My SA is strange, I am fairly comfortable at work, but only with the guys I work with. I have no involvment with the people in the office or kitchen.

I still have no friends and don't leave the house unless its for work or to see family.

I've been ok until this week, work isn't going so well, alot of bullshit going on, my crappy wages are getting me down. So i booked this coming week off, been hoping to get away. I've told people in work that I'm gonna go away somewhere last minute, I've constantly been online looking at prices for flights and hotels. There's just one problem, I have no one to go with, not a soul.

What makes it worse is that I was supposed to be flying off to vegas around this time with my mate in work. I was all ready to book it, and then he met a girl. Within a week 'he' had changed his mind and started lying to me. Pretty gutted. He had a car crash and told me he wouldn't be able to afford to go away with me. Within a week of that he had got his car back to new, for FREE, and booked TWO weeks away with his slapper and her 11 year old daughter, all paid for on his card of course. If he'd been honest I'd be ok with it, but he wasn't, and it's left me with a real shitty problem.

I am DESPERATE to get away this week, I will be SO depressed if I am left sitting indoors all week. It is ment to rain everyday so theres no chance to get away in this country with my camera. I fancy 3/4 days in Vegas. It's cheap, I know the place, it's great for photography and last but not least, I LOVE Vegas. If it was only a few hours on a plane I would've booked it by now, but its 15 hours! Thats a hell of a long time to be sat next to a stranger, or even worse, two strangers.

I went to New York earlier in the year with family and it was great, great town and not really that far away. But best of all, the plane was empty, we could've had a row each if we wanted, I think at times we did. I'm trying to tell myself it could be like that to Vegas, which would be excellent. But I know that equally, it could be absolutely rammed full and be hell on earth.

I ain't bothered about being in Vegas, on the other side of the world on me tod, it's just the flight thats putting me off, and most likely will mean I won't go.

It's been a while...

2008-05-16T19:16:00.002+01:00

So I havn't posted since before my birthday. A fair bit has happened since then, first off I have a new job. I actually started on my birthday, that was kinda nice, for most of the day I completely forgot it was my birthday. Seems so long ago, time has really flown by.

The birthday 'party' if you can call it that was ok, passed without incident. My Dad had to work that night though as it was snowing, put a downer on it. But overall no serious public embarressment(sp?). I even had a flirt with a girl there.

So anyway, I worked for two weeks, then had a holiday lol. We went off to Vegas for 8 days. It was fooking fantastic, I miss it so much.

I love America, only been twice but it is sooo much nicer than this dump. We stayed at Excalibur, which was alot better than I was expecting, had a great view over the Luxor, I'm trying to put some pics up, dunno how to though, should be a link on here somewhere which will take you to them anyway!

We did trips to the Hoover Dam, very nice, and the Grand Canyon, amazing! Just wish we'd gone at sunrise or sunset, to see all the colours and shadows. Me and my sister went to the top of Guano Point, very cool, but there was one part where had to literally step over a half a foot gap, go wrong and it was a long way down lol!

Hope these pics have worked, but, if not then there is a link on the right to my panoramio, more pics there too.

Thats about it I think, I am spending most of my time at the moment on Earthcam, http://www.earthcam.com/usa/nevada/lasvegas/index.php?cam=htzonelv5

We rung grandad one day told him we were by the camera, to get online and see if he could see us, it took a while, but he saw us standing there on cam8, dads mate also saw us, 10 minutes later my dad got a txt, it was a pic his mate had sent, of us standing there, really cool!

Its my birthday, I hate it

2008-03-19T17:03:00.002Z

I turn 21 next week. My sister turned 18 yesterday and all the family are here friday night.

I thought it was just for her birthday, like I'd asked for it to be months ago. But mum has just got in with one of them birthday cakes, with the baby photo on it. I'm not pissed off, I'm more upset tbh. I've told her so many times, I dont want anything special for my birthday, I dont want a party, I dont want a cake I dont even want presents. What I really want is for it to go by like any other day.

She's gone off on one about how ungratefull I am, cant be ungratefull when someone has gone out and done exactly what you already said you dont want, can you? I cant be the only who sees it like this? Surely it should be up to the person who's birthday it is, what they do for it?I hate my birthday, it's by far the most depressing day of the year, and when the family are all here I find it humiliating.

Aren't your mates coming? Doing anything special with them for it??
Got a job yet?
Wheres your girlfriend, have you got one yet??

All conversations I can look forward to on my 'special' day, I honestly aint far from crying right now

Big news, no one bothered to tell me

2008-02-07T01:23:00.000Z

So, last night, there was a knock on the door, my cousin and her boyfriend, had some news, they're expecting a baby. Lovely. I was upstairs listening to music when they knocked, and while they were telling everyone the news, I wasn't being rude, no one actually bothered to call me down.

I only knew someone was here after about 20 mins, I hadn't had a shower or 'owt, didn't really want to see people, so went upstairs to my mum and dads room, put tele on, laid on the bed and pretended to be asleep, until they'd gone.

I just could not face going down to them, and my family, and pretending to be happy for her infront of everyone, after they'd gone I txt her saying congratulations and so on.

I know I chickened out of going down to them, but no one even bothered to call me down for the news. If you go through the effort of driving around all the family, fairly late at night, then wouldn't you ask if the person missing was in or not? It's really bothered me

More good news, I've been called up for jury service, yay.

New Year

2008-01-26T15:15:00.000Z

So I felt like getting some stuff off my chest, having nobody to talk about it to obviously! Can't believe I havn't posted anything here since November, I'm sure I did something between Christmas and New Year but apparerntly not.

Anyway Christmas went ok, Nan and Grandad were here Christmas Eve till the 27th, it's nice to have them here, feels a bit more special, other than that there was lots of food and drink and it was probably pretty simular to all of yours!

New Year was pretty crap, there are real tensions in the family at the moment. It started when my uncle didn't turn up at that funeral in October, it hasn't been forgotten and he keeps saying things and you're stood there knowing your not the only one thinking "your talking bollocks!"

Two biggest things, the whole family went to watch my younger cousin play football one night, he's finally getting somewhere with it, playing for a real clubs youth team at a proper ground. But when my uncle was asked if they'd come, he said, "Oh, I don't know what we'll be doing". This was the day before the game, if you don't have any plans for a wednesday night then you're only going to be indoors watching tele ain't ya. So they didn't turn up. But New Years he was telling my cousin how much he does want to see him play, so much infact that he didn't turn up that night or at any games since.

The other big thing, holidays. A few years back there was a plan for the whole family, nan & grandad, aunt's, uncles and cousins to go off to Florida for a couple of weeks, brilliant! N&G weren't too old, all the kids were a nice age and we could afford it. Untill booking it of course, all of a sudden my Uncle, by far the most well off of us all, couldn't afford it. So it fell apart and didn't happen.

Nothing was mentioned untill my grandads 75th last year, when my uncle let slip that he'd never go to America, no interest in it, just a big themepark as he put it. So my Dad bought up Florida, turns out he'd never planned on going. Imagine how happy everyone was to hear that.

Anyway, my Aunt turns 40 this year, and she wanted to go New York, my uncle agreed, aslong as the kids don't go, she didn't like the idea of that, and mentioned Florida, the family has pretty much made her book it, they go in August lol. I'm glad, every kid should get to go once. But it's very upsetting to be talking about my uncle like this. When I was young and didn't have anything to do with my dad, my uncle was there, when my other uncle left my aunt, he was there for my cousins, you could really feel that everything wasn't right New Years Eve, I didn't even get drunk, but did end the night with my head down the bog, throwing up, perfect!

And I have as always become obsessed with Big Brother again, I love Amy, she has to win

I need the internet!

2007-11-30T13:04:00.000Z

For the past four days, thats right, FOUR, I have had no internet. I seriously can't live without it. They were some of the most depressing days I've had, and its even depressing to think just how much I need this thing.

We switched from BT to TalkTalk, if any of you are thinking about it, then stop. Stick with BT, yeah you do have to pay for it, but it does work. TalkTalk is free for a reason! It is half sorted now(only one pc is connected), after four hours on the phone to India being lied to and passed around from one idiot to another.

So we had our photo done, all in all it was ok, I can even say I enjoyed it! It has been confirmed that I can't smile and look at a camera, it just don't happen, my lips just do funny things and I look a twat. Also I can't control my shoulders, everyone told me to hold my shoulders up, I did, only to be told I was doing it wrong, another thing I just can't do! We were in this studio for 2 hours in total! We aren't the smallest bunch of grandchildren, and at one point the photographer thought a pyramid would be a good idea! It was painfull! We just mucked about while our mum stood there, ahhh, ain't it lovely... n so on. We eventually settled on a picture, which I think we're getting today.

Other than that, nothing has happened, can't get any work, the agency I joined a few weeks back is shit, I have rung them most weeks and never have my calls returned or have I actually spoke to my advisor.

Can't wait for the holidays to come and go, way to depressed about them, I can't even be bothered to put my normal ridiculous amount of lights up!

Got to have photo taken

2007-11-22T16:23:00.000Z

So all the grandkids are having a big photo taken tonight, a gift to the grandparents for xmas. We had one taken about 13 years ago, and then another 10-11 years ago. But some bright spark decided we should have one now we're all grown up. And now we're all grown up, we have to dress up smart!

I don't do smart, the idea behind my clothes is to just mix into the background, never standout or look like any thought or effort went into what I'm wearing. So you'll never see me outside the house in anything other than a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. Thats what I'm comfortable in and it looks fine. So tonight I'm wearing a smart dark pair of jeans, and a shirt. But it's an old work shirt, it's smart, but it's a work shirt. Know what I mean? My cousins are normal, they go to clubs n so on. They have smart/casual shirts to wear, I'm going to look like such a twat. I'm dreading it, really am.

I have been using sweatstop for the past 6 months or so, and it did me proud through the summer, but tonight is it's big test. Me wearing a white shirt, around lots of people, all looking at me, having my photo taken, it makes for a very wet, sweaty photo. Just hope it holds up ok

Done with therapy

2007-11-14T11:48:00.000Z

So I have stopped seeing my therapist, it was quite a hard thing to do, but I do think its for the best. In the end it just wasn't worth it. I'd been seeing her for 10 months and it had no positive effect on my life, and after my last session my uncle saw me. He didn't see me actually come out of the centre, but I was too far down the road to have come from anywhere else. I couldn't face him, the traffic crossing was turning from green to red so I legged it across the road, made it clear I had earphones so I couldn't hear him calling me, and walked as fucking quick as I could. I turned round a few minutes later and he had crossed and followed me, long way behind though, so I went into the main shopping mall, I think he gave up and turned round then. I hid in there for 10 minutes then got my bus. Pretty shitty thing to do I know, but I had no excuse for being down there.

Anyway my therapist, such a lovely girl, I'm really gonna miss her. But I think that was the problem in the end. I don't get out much, havn't had a girlfriend in a very long time and I was going to the sessions for the wrong reasons. It was just a chance for me to spend an hour a week, with a beautiful girl who seemed to care about me, even if it was just part of her job. I think it's called tranference or something like that. A patient mistakes their doc asking questions about how they feel etc, for genuine feelings, or something like that. Anyway think thats where I went wrong. I had to take a cd back to her after we'd stopped having sessions, and she was as lovely as ever! I still think she does really care, or she's just a bloody good actor :-) I tried to tell her why I'd decided not to come anymore, didn't go into it in too much detail, just said it wasn't working for me, told her I appreciated all she'd done. I tried to tell her how great she was, on a personal level, not just as a doctor, know what I mean? But I don't think she took me too seriously, just told her she was lovely and if I'd had to have seen another doc I probably would never have come back after my 1st session. I think she knew what I was trying to get across. So she gave me a little hug, which raised the eyebrows of the receptionist who was listening in, and that was that, end of my therapy.

Nope, wasn't worth it

2007-10-10T08:08:00.000+01:00

So yesterday I quit my job. The ONLY good thing about temp work is, as they can sack you with a click of a finger, don't need to give you any notice, you can do the same. So yesterday I got in the van with my normal bunch, only to be told I was doing the barrowrun from now on. Which means you go out with a wheelbarrow, a shovel and a broom. And you sweep any shit up of the street. You have to walk miles everyday and I wasn't really up for that. So I asked them to drop me off at the bus stop, they thought I was joking, until I jumped out at the traffic lights!

So thats another job gone, and it sucks, even if the job was shit.

Anyway, the funeral went off ok, weather was nice so atleast people could sit in the garden, which was really needed, so many people turned up, I've never had to stand at the back through a funeral before, he was a very popular man. People asked what I was doing I told them I was working for the council and left it at that, my grandad had a few digs though. A man at the funeral turned up on a walking stick, I asked my grandad what was wrong with him, and his reply was, "Thats how you're gonna turn out", I asked why, "Because he's never done a days work in his life." Which obviously I thought was nice of him to say.

Other than that it was a fairly typical funeral for our family, the women all ran around doing the food and making sure everyone had a cup of tea, and the blokes just had a drink, and kept on drinking. It's what we do best! It doesn't take very long for our funerals to turn into more of a party, you can certainly hear more laughter than tears. Some people might look at that and think is wrong or whatever, but I think it's the best way to deal with it.

Made an appointment with my psychologist lady monday morning, at 9am! Bit early for my liking, but atleast it gets it out the way. I havn't seen her in a really long time, wouldn't be suprised if this is my last time, been going since January and had no change in the quality of my life, just spend an hour chatting with a pretty lady every now and then.

Is it worth it?

2007-10-04T20:17:00.000+01:00

So, two weeks ago, my dads, cousins, husband died. Completely unexpected and very sad, my dads cousin lost her father only a few months ago. Anyway, knowing that we would have a funeral to go to I started desperately looking for work. The last two funerals I've been to I've had to tell these relatives that I don't do anything, or that I'm "between jobs", only problem is I'm between jobs for years at a time! So I rung an agency who got me work a short while ago and asked if they had anything, they did and I started Monday. Lovely

The work is on a local council and its pretty shit. I'm basically a binman, no offence to any binmen out there but it's not what I want to be doing for the next 40 years. But I said I'd do it, purely so that tomorrow at the funeral, when people ask, what you up to now, I can atleast say I'm working, they don't need to know what as, and if they ask, I'll lie. As far as my parents know I'm on the ground maintencane crews, going around the borough doing gardening jobs.

Eariler tonight my grandad rung for my dad, but he'd just got in shower so I was talking to him. He asked what I'd done today and I told him I'd been to work. He asked where/doing what and I told him, but lied obviously. Thinking he would say "good", or atleast "ok". But no, instead my grandad told me, "Thats no good is it boy, need to pull your fucking finger out."

Now, bearing in ming I've only done one months worth of work in the past two years, you'd think he'd be a little relieved that I was atleast working and earning some money, not alot though obviously! I couldn't believe what he said to be honest. I know my grandad is especially gutted at how I've turned out. Out of all his grandchildren, he's got 7, I was the only one who showed promise at school, I managed to pass the 11+ and got into a grammar school. Then things went bad and here I am! My other cousins, although thick as shit, have got and held down, quite well paid jobs. I was the one who was meant to go to university and do well in life. Instead I empty bins and collect peoples rubbish for a living.

It's pissed me off that I'm actually tempted to tell people what I really do tomorrow. See his face when I start telling our, fairly well off relatives, that this week I've swept around 10 miles of road, had to leave home at 3.30am this morning to shovel shit of the road before there was too much traffic, empty the public bins for another 2 miles and that after all that I'll take home less that 200 quid this week.

Is it worth it?? As someone with bad social anxiety, it really helps me to be able to say I have a job, no matter what it is. I am earning my own money and HAVE to leave the house every morning and spend 8-9 hours with a bunch of other blokes. I am glad for that. On the other hand I live in fear that someone I know will see me emptying the bins, wouldn't take long to get around. I won't see my psychologist all the time I have this job. I havn't seen her in about 2 months now I think. I have told her I'll try to arrange something where maybe I can take an afternoon off every two weeks to meet her, but realistically I know that the council won't stand for that and they'll let me go and bring another agency worker in who will do a full day.

Bollocks!

2007-09-19T08:14:00.000+01:00

I came on here to moan about how the weather had beat me. I've woke up and its cold and raining. So came on to write about yet another pathetic day I was about to have, but then I read my post last night, and remembered just how much I was actually looking forward to today.

Now I'm thinking I ain't going again! Such a loser, can't decide. Just had a look at metcheck.com According to that there ain't a guarenteed clear day coming in the next 2 weeks, so todays as good as any right?

Day out, on my own though, of course!

2007-09-18T22:16:00.000+01:00

So I've decided to force myself out of the house tomorrow. Things are pretty shit, as always. Spent an hour on the phone today trying to claim jobseekers once again. I didn't even get through to the right department, just kept being given wrong numbers and computers. I made my claim last tuesday, they were sposed to ring me back...

Anyway, I bought a nice camera around April, great idea, I never go anywhere so what the bloody hell do I want a camera for lol! So tomorrow I'm forcing myself out, going into London. Not the city though, too busy, can't be bothered with that. Gonna head into Greenwich, have a walk round the park, the observatory, museum and all that, then gonna jump on the DLR to Canary Wharf. My grandparents took me and my sister over there when we were little, first time I'll have been over there since. Then walk back to the river, where apparently that big ship, The World, the one rich people live on, is moored up just past the Cutty Sark. Figure thats worth a look at, nice views across the river anyway. Then through the tunnel and back home.

Quite looking forward to it, thought it all through so not panicking. Heading out about 9, nice and early but the rush should be ending. Hope to be back before the schools finish and hope it doesn't rain! Nice blue skies always improve a picture, been lovely today, meant to be heavy showers tomorrow, just my luck! But not gonna use it as an excuse! I'm going, and I'm looking forward to it!

Facebook

2007-09-07T12:19:00.000+01:00

I'm sure we've all seen the posts on the SA forums "I looked on facebook, now I'm depressed." And quite possibly, like me you ignored it and just thought "Stop being a tart." lol

Well today I set up an account on facebook. It was a fake one obviously, I'm a 92 year old from New Zealand! I looked up kids I went to primary school (7-11) and then secondary school (11-16). Seriously I've never got so depressed online!

The primary school weren't so bad, only recognised a few names, real blasts from the past. Then I moved onto my secondary school mates. And they were all there, all still best mates, plenty of pictures of them away together having fun. They've all gone to Uni but still meet every couple of weeks, they are proper mates, more like brothers type thing. God I miss them. It was tempting a post a comment, hi, hope you are all well...... But then I'd shit myself about their reply, if there even was one. How would I describe my time since leaving school, four years ago. Well 've done about 7 months work and the other 3 and a half years in my bedroom, on my own. So I thought better of it and moved on.

But I was looking at one of the pictures, it was a group shot, them and a couple of other lads I didn't know. But one looked so familiar. Under the photo it has the names of the people in the picture who have facebook accounts. Then I realised who it was, Adam Shonk. The kid who screwed me over when I was 11, nicked all my mates and started off my life of SA.

I couldn't and still can't fucking believe it. Not only did he take all my mates when I was 11, he now knows, and is friends with the boys I went to secondary school with. That is seriously fucking depressing.

Now I can't help thinking, I must've come up in a conversation somewhere. Maybe when they were talking about being kids, what schools they went to. What do you reckon he would've said about me? Oh yeah, H. He was a nice boy, havn't seen him in years though, wonder what he's up to. Or, and I think the more likely, Oh yeah, I knew him, I used him to get myself some new mates, then he found out, got on his bike a cried his way home, what a loser. Lets all laugh at him.

So yeah, take mine and everyone else's advice, don't look your old friends up on facebook!

So I had a job, then lost it, again!

2007-08-16T11:01:00.000+01:00

So I got a phone call just over a month ago now, and started at a job the monday after. Great. Obviously I was shitting myself about it and having to meet and work with new people. But I turned up, hung about, got off to a great start when I introduced myself to the boss, only for him to have no idea who I was or why I was there! Brilliant. But he put me out to work with one of the gangs. So I got in the van with a couple of other blokes, they introduced theirselves(is this a real word, don't look right?) and I did the same, confidence grew and I asked how long they'd been there and what they'd been doing before. They hadn't been there long, and before, they'd been doing nothing, just like me. So instantly I felt more comfortable around them. Turns out that the bloke who runs the place takes blokes on who've been out of work for long time, and gives them a fair go. So anyway, I was there a couple of weeks, everything going brilliantly, it really was, I got on really well with the blokes I worked with, I even went out with them after only one week there! I've only been drinking with a colleague once, that was after 6months of working together and it was my last day there. So to be out with them, and feeling so comfortable, and able to be myself after 5 days was just unbelievable. A good night was had by all and for the first time since I left school I really felt normal.

So imagine my delight when halfway through my third week there the boss pulls me aside in the yard and tells me they have to let me go. I couldn't, and still can't believe it. They were allowed to have 112 people working for them, but had 114, and I was one of the two. They let me finish the week after and that was that. I'm back at home doing nothing all day, everyday.

Turns out I enjoy work, I do enjoy being around people all day and I can do it. But also, just having a job gave me so much confidence. I went to visit my grandparents for the first tme in months, purely because if any other family were there, they could say "hows work going?", not, "have you got a job yet?" I even got off with a couple of girls, and they weren't dogs either lol. All that change, just because I could say I had a job.

I don't miss the wages, maybe because they're still paying me!! lol. They got my pay up to date, I was paid a week after I'd done the work, know what i mean? But then last week, I wasn't expecting anything and a payslip came in the post. It was short of what I normally got, but it was still a very nice suprise! Havn't had any phonecalls asking for it back so I'm guessing I can keep it! But, I can't ring the agency and ask for work, when they're already paying me for a job they think I'm at lol.

So thats everything thats happened, back to normal now!

My 1st job in 2 years and only had it for 7 minutes

2007-07-02T20:43:00.000+01:00

So its now been more than 2 years since I did a days work, how shit, but whats worse is the other day I worked out, that since Christmas, have applied or written off to companies, about 200 times, out of all of them I have received 3 responses. So chances of getting a job are pretty shit, and getting worse the longer it goes on.

I was searching for a job last monday, found one I liked the sound of, only problem was I had to ring them to apply, usually when thats the case I just wont bother applying. But I stopped and thought, whats the worst that can happen?? My psychologist would've been proud! lol. So I rung them, spoke to the woman and she asked me to go see them and she'd have me working the next day. Great! So I went all the way into London to meet this woman at their offices, I had to fill in loads of forms and after that she kept me waiting a long time, but I figured, I'm gonna be at work this time tomorrow, this will be worth it! So had me little meeting with her, she gave me a map to the place, I shook her hand and left. Brilliant! I walked to the train station and was leaning on a pole and as a train went past the pole shook, but it did it again after when there were no trains..it was my phone vibrating. The woman had been ringing me and had left a voice message, so I played it. "Sorry, I have just spoken to the bloke there and turns out you're not needed there". What a piss take. I was so angry, and midway through eating a celebratory chocolate bar. Seriously, I couldn't, still can't believe it. A simple job, doing something I enjoy, good pay and good hours, easy to get to. Perfect.

But thats really got me right down, I can't even be bothered to apply for them no more. My 1st job in 2 years and only had it for 7 minutes.

Things are also worse with my CBT. I cancelled a session a few weeks ago, I was really honest about it, I didn't want to go, because I didn't have anything to say. It'd been a week since I'd seen her ad I'd done nothing, I literally had nothing to say to her. So we agreed to arrange another session to talk other the whole thing, discuss if its actually working and if its worth carrying on. So I went to that session, it was uncomfortable to say the least. I was honest about it, I don't think its helping me and I don't see it changing anything for me in the future. Which was a pretty blunt thing to say to the very pretty lady lol. So I'm sitting there thinking thats sealed my kick out the door lol. But I decided to be brave and ask her what she thought. We had already agreed that most of the time I lack the motivation to really beat this. But she said she had seen it work for other people, and that I was no different to those, apart from lacking the motivation to actually do it of course lol. So I just said, in your opinion do you think I should keep seeing you, and she said yes. Which has really confused me lol. I had prety much said I can't be bothered with it, and she had pretty much said it wouldn't work for me, then she says I should see her for the next few months atleast. How did she get to that conclusion??

I have two theories, the 1st is that I was right, we do like eachother and she wants me to go back just for that reason, the 2nd and some would say more realistic, is just that she's a good psychologist and she's just trying to do her job. I know its the 2nd one, but my little messed up mind does keep looking at whats happened and wondering about the 1st lol

Depressed

2007-05-30T17:33:00.000+01:00

Things are really shit. Dunno what to do. I'm still doing cbt, had a session today but we ain't really getting anywhere. She asked me a good few weeks ago, what don't I like about myself. I didn't tell her and thought she'd forgot about it, until today. She bought it up again, and I still didn't answer. I don't see why I should have to tell the pretty lady that I'm ugly. I mean she can see me, no need for me to tell her. And I really don't see what I'm going to get out of it, nothing positive anyway.

Also she starts every session asking about my week, what I've been up to. And everyweek I say I've done nothing, which is true. I don't do anything. But now she is trying to get me to do stuff. Which I kind of appreciate, but also wish she'd just drop it and concentrate on getting rid of my SA. She says the biggest thing you have to do for therapy to work is be brave, and I really ain't brave enough to do it. She said I could write it down and give it to her, and she wouldn't read it until I'd left, but she'd still read it, I'd know she'd read it, and then we'd still have to talk about it in the next session. I reckon I can tell her, just not talk about it.

But thats nothing compared to my other problem, my mum has turned on me. A job has come up with my cousins boyfriend. The job is ok, but there is no way I could work with him, or anyone else in the family. I couldn't stand knowing that everyone in my family could find out what I'd been doing at work. Like if something ebarrasing happened, I wouldn't come home and tell everybody about it, but if your working with someone in the family, then everyone is gonna find out anyway. Does that make sense at all? So I told my mum I didn't want the job and she hasn't let it drop, been about a month now. She just keeps making little comments, like the other day me and my dad were watching a car on tele, saying how nice it was, and for no reason at all my mum just said, "don't know what you're looking at it for, never afford one when you ain't working." She's been like it for the past 2 weeks. I asked for some stamps the other day so I could apply for some jobs, and she still managed to have a go at me. Seriously, I ain't the sort of bloke who cries, havn't in a long time, but right now I'm so close to it.

Big Brother starts tonight, as sad as this is, I will watch it constantly, because it's the closest I get to having friends in my life. I get to know these people, find out every thing about them, its just like being with someone all day, but I can sit there on my own and do it. Fucking sad ain't it.

Been a busy month...for me anyway!

2007-05-09T12:18:00.000+01:00

So been over a month since I last posted on here. Just read through what I last wrote, I havn't heard anything from the Royal Mail and I never did get back intouch with that girl to meet up. We txt a few times but other than that, looks like being another year until we meet lol.

So anyway, not much has really been happening, still going to my CBT sessions and jobcentre appointments, but all my other days are spent at home, on here.

But a couple of weeks ago I actually went away for the weekend. It was my grandads army reunion up in Doncaster. He had asked me to go last year and as I couldn't really say no to him I said yes! But it soon came around and its fair to say I was shitting myself about it. It was me, my grandad, my dad and my dads mate who has gone with them the last few years.

The main thing I was worried about, was I wouldn't have any time to myself. So when I got too anxious I wouldn't be able to go to my room and get myself together or anything. But i actually had a geat time. Took me a couple of hours to get comfortable around them all but after that I was absolutely fine, SA free even. We went up to York on the sunday and did all the touristy things and I didn't feel anxious once!! How weird is that. I could be myself, walk down the street confidently, and most importantly not have to worry about bumping into someone from school or an old co-worker. I had nothing to worry about. I even flirted with a girl working in the pub, I never do that! Was weird, but great. And has got me seriously thinking about looking to work somewhere, not around here. Maybe up north, where the people are much friendlier, or maybe even go abroad. Just start everything all over again and build the life I want. It will never happen but its nice to think about aint it! lol

I am still doing my CBT. Had a session first thing this morning. My therapist lady is so bloody cute though. She's lovely and that makes it so hard to try and open up to her. Really wasn't in the mood for it today though and she kept pushing me on the same things, "how does that make you feel?" I just don't know what to say to her. I don't know how it makes me feel, and I ain't being stupid, I really don't know! She tries to put a positive spin on everything I say, which just makes me laugh. A couple of sessions ago she tried to ask what I didn't like about the way I looked. I didn't answer, how are you sposed to tell a really pretty lady that you don't like the fact that your fat and aint blessed with good looks? I'm sure she has noticed herself, but its like she has to hear it from me. I just kept stalling and eventually she moved on and ain't come back to it yet.

So how bad would it be if I were to fall for my therapist?? I have a history of falling madly in love with girls who actually want to talk to me! Here is a beautiful girl, who makes me laugh, appears to find me funny, seems to genuinely care and thinks I'm a perfectly normal bloke. Unfortunately I am realistic enough to realise this is probably how she behaves with everyone she sees, but nice to imagine for a minute!

If you're interested you can see some of my pics from York, nowt special but kept me entertained for few mins putting on on here, http://www.panoramio.com/user/426913.

A really shit day

2007-04-05T13:52:00.000+01:00

Firstly, I have had a drink to there could well be a spelling mistake or two!

So today I had a document checking appointment with the Royal Mail, its basically an interview before the actual interview. I was there all of....20 seconds maybe.

The big sorting office in the area is in Dartford, bit of a shithole and I wouldn't mind going there, but I used to work there, in a small office literally down the road from the sorting office. So, for me it takes alot just to make myself get there, 1 bus ride + a train, which aint my ideal day out lol. Then when I get to Dartford I am shit scared of seeing someone I used to work with. I don't know why though.

I have started CBT now, it ain't going too well. I have a nice lady, but she is quite attractive and doesn't really help when your supossed to open up to her. Anyway, she has given me a bit of homework. Everytime I feel anxious, I should write it down, how bad I was feeling, 1-10 type thing, then what the situation was, what I was or was thinking about doing. Which is fine, i can do that bit, but the last column(sp?) is what am I thinking about? What about the situation makes me feel nervous? And I just don't have an answer. So say I've wrote down

I was anxious 3/10, not too bad but still kinda scared. And this was because I wanted to go in my back garden, but my neighbours were in theirs and I didn't want them to see me. Thats all ok so far, but then she asks why I'm scared of them seeing me. So I said that I didn't want to talk to them, because I was scared off other people listening to us from indoors. So now I'm expecting her to tell me why I'm nervous about that, instead she askes why I don't want anyone else to listen to the conversation, and I don't have an answer. That was last week and I still don't have an answer, I've no idea why I'm scared of it, but I still am. I know the word might sound a bit strong, but its true, I am actually scared of my neighbours seeing me in my garden, how sad.

So anyway, I turn up nice and early for interview before the interview, two other blokes were there, and I was ok sitting with them, we sat in silence and I was suprisingly calm, had a snotty nose but other than that I was ok lol. A couple of other blokes turn up and I was still ok. Then some woman turns up and take us upstairs, I's sure it was the same woman who interviewed me 2 years back. She took us up to a big room, flash tele, big table n so on and just introduced herself and what we'd be doing. She handed out our applications and told us to check them over. Then comes over to me, I'm still calm. She tells me my application hasn't been accepted! Strting to lose my calmness now lol. On your application they ask you to give a 5year work history thing. Seeing as mine mainly says that I've done nothing, I decided that where I didn't have work and waasn't claiming benefits, I would just write down that I was working for friends of the family. Apparently this is illegal and I was shown the door. Seriously I was in there no more than 3 minutes. And wasn't calm any more lol, but I figured I wouldn't start bollocking the woman because I still want a job with them!! I don't blame the woman so much, but I did apply for this job 3 weeks ago nearly, and they offered me an interview, made me go all the way other there, just to tell me my application waasn't accepted, infront of 4 other people, that does piss me off.

So I was shown the way out and told not to give up, in a very patronising(sp? not even sure thats the right word either lol) way. Was left with a bit of a problem then, it was just before 12, so the people I used to work with wouljd be coming out for lunch then. Most people might hang around and say hello to their old friends, but not me, I hid in an alley for 20 minutes, watched people come out of the building, then did a runner for the station. Now seriously how fucked up is that. I left tha job almost 2 years ago and am 99% sure even if I walked straight into them on the street they'd have no idea who I was, but I still chose to hide in a dodgy alley till they were gone.

I'm so messed up right now, and fairly drunk, taken me 45 mins to write this, gonna have a shower and try sober up before ppl come home.

If you read this, then you really should find someting better to do with your time.

In my drunken confidence have just asked a girl I went school with to meet up, once the kids are back at school, will be the first time i've seen her in a year or so, and 1st time since I told her about my sa, should be interesting. But I really miss her, we were best mates at school, she only lives up the road, used to walk home together everyday, then don't see eachother for years. Nervous but looking forward to it, then again, I am pissed lol

Well pissed off

2007-03-23T10:57:00.000Z

I applied for a job with the royal mail yesterday, one of the few jobs I really think I could do and even enjoy. It was the first time a vacancy in my area has come up in about a year! Royal Mail do everything over the internet, so I did all my application yesterday and this morning I get an email saying that its been accepted and I now have to do two tests, online. Great, got to be better than doing it in a room full of people ain't it...wrong! Mum is at home today, as soon as I started my test, she started playing a cd, loudly. The test was timed, only had 10seconds to answer each question, then it moves on, so can't exactly get up, go downstairs, explain then come back up. So I spent the first few mins of test shouting down, actually lost voice a little bit from it, but no response. So had to wait for a 20second gap to go down, I didn't have time to stop and chat so I just turned it off, then shouted that I was doing a test as I ran back up. I get back, out of breath just as the test is about to restart, only to hear the music back on. Now, sorry, but that is a piss take! Anyway I just lost all concentration and got the last 20 or so questions wrong. I'm so pissed off, can't believe it. God knows how long I'll have to wait for another job to become available with them. The worst thing is, I put my uncle down as a referee(is this the right word?), and rung him last night just to make sure it was ok. So now everyone in family will know I've applied for this job, and I've failed before the ink on the application had even dried!

To top it off, it is my birthday this sunday, horay...not! I hate my birthday, a whole day centered around you. It's just about my worst nightmare. Luckily it ain't a big birthday this year, so no big family get together is necessary. I get up, mum watches me open my cards, and then, well thats it. I go to my room and think about how shit my life is and how unbelievably lonely I am. Its a fun day! lol

To make things worse, my sisters birthday is a week before mine. So last week she got all the normal cards from family and so on, but she got, what seemed like a hundred cards from her friends, filled the front room up, was nowhere to put them. She went out for a meal with some of them the day before and on the actual day had her best mate round for takeaway. Fast forward a week to my birthday, get maybe 10 cards from family, another couple from friends of the family who I don't really know, and thats it. The stupidist thing though, is me checking the cards, just incase one of my old friends has sent me one, they havn't of course, but every year I will go through the cards the night before, just to check that none of them look like they were written by someone my age, if they do then I open them, then have to find another envelope to put em in so I can open them the next morning! How fucking pathetic, I havn't had a birthday card from a friend since I was at primary school, 9 years ago.

So thats about it, next week I have to go to jobcenter to start a new claim now I've finished that course, then the next day I have my 2nd therapy session, which I ain't looking forward to.

Last few weeks of being a teenager, what do the 20's have in store??

2007-02-23T14:31:00.000Z

Hello all, I know theres a few of you who actually read this site often! Hello Annie! Thought I'd come on and write about something random, pretty drunk right now so confidence is up lol.

Going through a really weird few weeks, I actually have mates now, only for a few more weeks though. Been doing this course for 10 weeks now, got to know a few people fairly well, I can still get on with anyone, which is nice to know! Been doing a work placement with a few of the lads from the course and us four have got fairly close during that time, we have a laugh and get on and if it weren't for the shit work and no pay I'd really enjoy it. Shame I've never had a job where I get on with the people as well as I do this mob.

Its made me think, I've always said I'd never do any, manual labour work type thing, because I wouldn't be able to fit in with them, maybe I can. It helps that the blokes I've been working with are all from the same backgrounds. We're all different ages, I'm only 19, next one is 24, then 41 and finally old Barry is 49. But we were all bought up within the same 5 miles of south london, similar family backgrounds and so on. I'll really miss them when its over. Hopefully we'll go for a drink after our last day. How weird is that, me hoping that I'll o for a drink with a bunch of blokes, I havn't said that, and meant it in a good few years! Got to be a good sign I spose!

I realised this morning that I only have another 28 days of being a teenager. Thats really weird. For me that means I really aint't a kid anymore, officially an adult, should be acting like an adult, and have adult responsibilities. I stupidly got intouch with an old school friend through myspace before Xmas, i only went on there y'day though and his reply was sitting there. Sounded dead glad to hear from me, asked me what I was up to, work, uni etc. I couldnt face telling him Im working for free because I aint had a job in nearly 2 years, so just told him I was in between jobs lol. I read his page though, he has probably done more in the past 3 years than I will in my next 50. He has a long term girlfriend, has appeared on several tv shows, bag full of qualifications and basically he has a life. He hasn't replied and I kinda hope he doesn't, don't want to get too deep in it, was nice to hear from him though.

I really hope the next 10 years are better than the last. They couldn't really be any worse. When I was 10, I was a really popular kid doing well at school, had shitloads of mates, over the park everday after school, even had girls who liked me. Obviously life as a 10year old and as a 20 year old are very different, but there ain't many people out there who know just how shit being a young kid growing up can be.

Anyway, despite slipping into my old alcoholic phase this afternoon, I'm losing weight again, applying for loads of jobs, and really am trying to change things. Do have another sodding family get together coming up next week I think, really can't face that. Only seems like last week we were over there for new year, that was two months ago. Obviously I'll try my best to get out of it and I might stand a chance this time, theire is lunar eclipse that night and I've never actually seen one thanks to the weather, so if its a nice clear night I will be staying here, hopefully!

Set up??

2007-01-31T15:06:00.000Z

So I've been goin to my 'course', which is getting to be more and more of a piss take everyday. Havn't been in today, don't feel too good and just needed , another, break from it. Been a pretty shit week.

I got in monday morning, and was asked if I wanted to do media studies this week, be finished by midday and get an extra 5 quid a day. So I thought, yeah, great.

So me and two others from my group sat around waiting for this media bloke to turn up, he finally did and when we walk in he says this is actually a, communication class. So I thought, ok, lets see what happens. And what do you know, we have to go up infront of the class and introduce ourselves. I couldn't believe it, the one thing I said I couldn't do when I had my induction, was get up infront of groups, even if it was only three people.

So, I did it, it was scary, but ok, I know the two people from my group pretty well. Then there's a knock on the door, someone else joins the group. This is where I just shit myself. Was another bloke, same age as me, good looking lad and most annoying of all, confident. I just gave up then. He said we could have a 10 minute break so I went home.

I was so pissed off, not with myself, because I know I can't do that sort of thing, but with the centre, they know I can't do that sort of thing. The way it all happened has made me wonder if they set it up. There is a difference between a weeks media studies and two hours learning how to communicate, and not getting paid for it. The fact that no one at the centre has asked why I disappeared at 10am, and that no one has mentioned any media studies since, makes me think that, it didn't exist in the 1st place. It was just a way of getting me in the room.

I thought about taking it up with the bloke who runs the place, but thought I'd just looked stupid, so I've let it go, and aslong as they don't bring it up, I wont either.

But I am losing interest in it, plus my group for some unexplained reason has been split into 3 or 4 mini groups, and each of them has been thrown into different groups. Which means I'm not with the people I'd got to know and now spend the whole day with another bunch of strangers, who have already got to know eachother and aren't interested in talking to the new boys.

Just as I was starting to settle in to it, its all gone tits up, and I now find that I desperately want a job , but it still needs to be something I can cope with, and they aren't easy to find. We have to apply for 5 jobs a week while we're at this course, this is my 5th or 6th week there, so I've applied for a fair few jobs, not heard anything from any of them though. Doesn't exactly build up the confidence.

And to top if off, I was flicking through the calender this morning, and found that we have to go other my aunts for her partners birthday at the beginning of March. The bloke hates get togethers, doesn't like Xmas, thinks New Year is a waste of time and couldn't careless if its his birthday, so why the fuck have we, or more importantly, I, got to be dragged over there for the night?!? Then a few weeks after that, is my big day. Yay. The 3rd of the 3 most depressing days of the Year, Christmas Day, New Years Eve, and my extremely lonely birthday.

I've also realised that this blog, which I started originally to try and help other SAers, is really all about myself. I make no apologies for it, I have nowhere else and nobody else to get this off my chest to. So when I'm down, and pissed off, this is what I do.

Had a CBT assesment

2007-01-11T12:06:00.000Z

So yesterday I had an assesment for CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

It went ok. It's a fucking nightmare to get to, my uncle works right next door to the mental health centre, and me cousin also works up there now, so shat myself about being spotted. Even had to walk past the centre twice, just to make sure the coast was clear! I hate sitting in the waiting room there, some of the other people sitting there are properly fucked up, they're really mental!

My actual assesment was a bit dodgy, the woman who did it, (who had a lovely pair of knockers by the way!) was nice enough. I felt comfortable with her and was pretty honest about stuff. She dug pretty deep though, asked about all my childhood and things like that, which I weren't really expecting. She somehow got me to tell her about my relationship with my dad, which I've not told anyone about, we get on fine now, but it was pretty shit when I was little, was on the end of a beating fairly often.

It all went well until the end, when she said she was putting me on the waiting list for therapy, I thought ok good, then she said it will probably take a year! A whole fucking year!! Which means by the time I actually get help for this it will have been two years after I first went to my gp. What a joke.

I had a meeting this morning, I'm starting a work placement. Which means I only have to go to that jobcentre course thing once a week, but I have to actually work at this different park just up the road from me. There are three of us going there so I'm not on my own, and one of them is the bloke I probably talk to the most so thats good, but I do have mixed feelings about it. Remembering how badly I was shitting myself about starting at this course, but now just a few weeks later I get on with everyone, talk to everyone, I'm even part of the 'popular' group, its almost been quite good. I kinda of don't want to leave that. Plus I know that I'm not going to get a job at the end of this work placement, which makes the whole thing seem like a complete waste of time, but I'll give it a go and see what happens.

Got through Christmas....now bring on New Year!!

2006-12-27T23:15:00.000Z

So I got through a thoroughly depressing Christmas, worst I think I've ever had. It really is rather shit if you ain't a kid. There's nothing to look forward to. Mum and Dad have friends round Christmas Eve so naturally I'm up in my room all night. You wake up Christmas morning, open a bunch of presents that are wrapped, even though you know exactly what is in each one. Then you start eating! I've eat so much crap this past few days, not looking forward to getting on the scales friday morning. I had managed to lose 1st 9lb, pretty sure I've put all of that back on! There was fuck all on tele this year, it really has been shit. I know its sad for a 19 year old bloke to admit but that makes me really sad! When I was little I really loved Christmas, I mean really loved it! Now I just try to make it something it ain't, I try to get excited about it, put up shit loads of lights and decorations, thinking that will make it just like it was when I was 9. But it don't work. Just makes you realise how much of a humbug you've become.

Anyway, enough of Christmas, now we've got New Years Eve to look forward to, yay.

This year my family will be gathering at my Aunties, with her 3 kids, and their boyfriends and girlfriends, and of course, all their mates. So it should make for a really uncomfortable night. Which one will I talk to, the cousins boyfriend who just plain hates me, spends the night giving me dirty looks from across the room. Maybe my cousins girlfriend, who just ignores me, I've met her about 5 times now, she said "alrite" to me once. And then of course there is my other cousins girlfriend, who I really wish was mine! She's pretty, she's funny, she's kind, she's clever, she gets free tickets to games of the footie team I support, basically, she is perfect. So I avoid her as much as possible. Then of course there are the tens of mates who turn up throughout the night, who just sort of take over. Everyone starts to keep their hands in their pockets then, because they know if they don't then someone else's hands will get in there and your wallet will disappear!

Can't say I'm looking forward to it. This time next year I'll be shitting myself about them all coming over here. By then I want to have a job to be able to talk about, and I really want a girlfriend to show off! I'm going to make 3 new years resolutions, I have to keep losing weight, I definately have to get AND hold down a job, and finally I want someone special to spend next years holidays with. So not much then.

My problem for the past few years is I have nothing to drive me on! No determination. But now, I think I actually do have some. I've tried to lose weight so many times, and most of them I ended up putting weight on! But the past few months I've lost it, because I wanted to look better on NYE. Unfortunately I don't look any better, my jeans are a bit loose. But I want to lose alot more because we are going to Vegas not this March, but the year after for my 21st, and I want to be able to go for a swim in the hotel pool, without being humiliated. To be honest if I don't lose another 2 or 3 stones, then I don't really want to go. So that is what will hopefully drive me on to lose the weight and keep it off.

I have 40 pounds to lose if I want to be at my target weight! So thats only 0.769 pounds to lose a week! Which really ain't much is it!?! I've never looked at it that way before, sounds bloody good don't it, just hope I do it.

So if I ain't on before then, Happy New Year to anyone who actually reads this!

A really, really shit day

2006-12-19T16:03:00.000Z

So I've been to this 'course' the past two days. And its safe to say its as shit as I was expecting. Been stuck in a classroom so far, today I got to do a spot the difference, havn't done that since I was about 12.

It's been ok so far I guess, havn't had to be there until 10 and today I was home by 2.30, which obviously I have no complaints about! It's just like school, apart from you're in that class full of naughty kids. I hated school, but I had mates, I could move from group to group because I had so many. But at this course, I'm the weird, quiet kid who sits on his own, and I don't like it. Everyone there is just your everyday chav, and I don't fit in.

So far we have just done loads of paperwork. One thing we had to do today was a self confidence questionairre thing. What fun that was, every other question was, Do you think you're ugly, just put in different ways. Can't wait for them to give me the results of mine!

So anyway, got out of there all happy, looking forward to the football tonight. Been looking forward to going for weeks! I had txt my cousin this morning confirming where and when to meet, but I knew he was working until half 2 so wasn't too bothered when I didnt get a reply. I gave him a ring when I got in, and his mum answered. Guess what, he's working fulltime hours this week. Now, I can't be angry with him for that, but I'm so pissed off that he never told me. He can't have forgot, we only spoke about it last week!! I'm so fucking fed up, he is the only thing I've got that comes near to being a mate, but maybe I've thought too much of him if he can't even remember to tell me he ain't going somewhere. If I hadn't rung his mum I would've just been standing around the high street waiting for no one.

To top this shit day off my sister has her friend round so naturally I've run off to lock myself in me room.

I don't know what to do, do I just stay in my room, or, do I get ready to go out, just incase he rings at the last minute?? There is a small chance he'll ring, but I know its much more likely I'll get dressed and wait by the phone for a call that doesn't come, then I'll be even more depressed than I am right now, and I really can't be assed with that!!

Shitting myself

2006-12-17T20:33:00.000Z

Got to start this course tomorrow, can't believe this is how I'm spending the week before Christmas. I so badly don't want to go, but then I'll have no money. There really is only one way out and thats to get a job. At this moment in time my SA is about as bad as its ever been, so driving is the only thing I can see myself coping with, but its so hard finding a job in it when your only 19. Apparently the bloke who does this course is very good with finding jobs for people through his contacts and that. So you never know, maybe in a week, or two I'll be happily driving around on me own and getting paid for it. But I can't see it happening.

If this is as bad as I think it's gonna be, and I just can't cope with it. Then I will sooner or later quit. That will not go down very well at home, how will I explain it to them?

"Oh, I'm not going anymore, too hard with my sa".

Yeah that should go down very nicely.

It really is rather shit having SA. Can't help but sometimes looking back and wondering how different my life would be.

Maybe I would've passed my GCSE's, gone on to pass Alevels, I might have been sitting at University now. Even if I had left school, atleast I'd be working. I wouldn't have quit my last job. I probably wouldnt have even worked there cos I would've accepted one of the hundreds of offers to work with family members. My younger cousin has no qualifications at all, but he goes home with 300 quid every week, he moves bricks for a living.

My girlfriend wouldn't have dumped me because I wouldn't go out with her and her mates! Thats the real kick in the bollocks! If I hadn't had SA, then the only girl who's actually been madly in love with me, would still be around. I'll be honest, at the time I wasn't in love with her, I liked her alot but wasn't in love. But I really fucking miss her now.

If I hadn't had SA then I would've asked out the girl of my dreams, before the day after I left school, so I would have actually seen her again! lol

Then again, if I hadn't been stupid enough to have been sucked in by Adam Shonk, then maybe I would never have had SA.

But the really sad thing here is, I've just read through this, and noticed that I've written, "If I hadn't had..." not "If I didn't have"

Think I've pretty much accepted that I don't have a life, and won't ever have a real life.

If Annie is out there reading this somewhere then get in touch

Got to do unpaid work

2006-11-30T14:50:00.000Z

So I've now been claiming benefits for 6 months, and once you reach this magical time the jobcenter make you got and do a course in something for 13 weeks. It's more like community service though. I had my interview this afternoon. I ain't looking forward to it. I'm gonna have to work with a group of 20+ chavs, joy. I told the boss about my SA, something I've never done before. To be honest he was really good about it, very understanding. If something gets to much for me I only have to tell him and he'll sort it and if I can't cope he'll do his best to get me off the course. But it's all very good him saying that now, I just hope its the same when he realises I won't even be able to sit in a room with them or get on a minibus.

I start 18th December, so something to look forward to just before Christmas! The jobcentre had told me I wouldn't start until January but apparently not.

I don't know whats gonna happen, if you don't turn up then your benefits are stopped and I don't want that to happen. I do have another option though, my little cousin and best mate started his part time job a few weeks ago. I went to football game with him last weekend and he said he'd be able to get me a job there. I politely said no, but thinking about it now. He says all he does is unpack boxes and put things on shelves round the back of a shop. No one can see him and he works with one other person. Can't be that bad can it? So I'm gonna turn up at this course thing, and if that is THAT bad then I'll be asking me cousin to work some magic with his boss and get me on there.

Anyone got any better ideas?

Worst time of year is just round the corner

2006-11-13T16:40:00.000Z

Been a while since I put anything ere, mainly because nothing has happened. There was a mini family reunion last night. My lot, N&G, then my dads cousin, her husband and two girls, plus her dad, my nans brother. I was shitting myself about it of course. The last time they came was last year I think. I said hello then locked myself in my room all night.

But last night was different. Me and my grandad were on my pc when they got ere so there was no chance of me hiding up here. Grandad went down and dragged me down with him. Apart from the awkward hello's to people I don't know, it really was ok. A couple of sweaty moments, the worst being when they were all talking about their jobs, my nans brother asked me what I did, it went something like this,

Him:"Ere, what do you do H?"
Me: "Nothing", nervous laugh.
Him: "No? Really? I mean seriously what do you do?"
Me: "No nothing, ain't got a job"
Him: "NO??"

My dad kinda stepped in, which was quite nice actualy. Said how there's nothing out there for someone my age, unless they know what they wanna do, or they're happy to work in tesco. But the worst bit was when I looked at my grandad during the conversation, hoping to see a comforting smile or something, instead there was just a sort of look of disgust. That was pretty shit. So I made a quick escape upstairs then and sorted myself out.

Other than that I just kept me head down and kept drinking. No more reunions now until New Years.

One other thing to tell you, weight loss 06 has taken off! I've tried a few times this year to lose weight, failing each time. But this time has been different, for past month I've been doing couple hours exercise a day and watching what I eat. So far I've lost 1st 1pound. Which I'm well chuffed about, still weigh over 16st though so LONG way to go.

Am I, a mental?

2006-10-25T21:20:00.000+01:00

Today was my trip to the jobcenter, was in and out of there in seconds which was nice. But walking up to the bus stop I spotted the dreaded clipboard people. You know who I'm talking about, they hang around in busy areas with their clipboards and badges and you just try your best not to make eye contact! So I kept walking doing my best not to look at them, but one of them was waving and smiling at me, like really nicely. So I thought bugger, better stop. She was waving and smiling like we actually knew each other. She asked my name so I told her, then she asked if I was aware with the problems with our mental health service. Stupidly I said yeah, I've been waiting for an appointment for months. But here's the thing, she didn't look or sound one bit suprised. Now I'm guessing not everyone she'd stopped this morning had said that to her. So does that mean I look mental? Was she smiling and waving out of excitement of spotting a mental going her way?? She was really nice looking and I managed to act pretty normal with her which was good, but I was really aware of not making eye contact, when I did my eyes started to water! I missed my bus because I stopped to talk to her and she came up and we had a bit of a flirt and even had a cuddle. Which is nice, but a little bit weird ain't it?

Maybe normal people end up cuddling strangers in the street, but can't say it's happened too often with me.

But it's just pissed me off. Why can I act so normal and do so well with a girl like that, and then come home and not go out for another two weeks? Why can't I be like that all the time?

Tough night

2006-10-18T20:36:00.000+01:00

I grew some balls tonight, I said hello to my ex-girlfriend on msn. I never do that. Been chatting with her for couple hours now. I really miss her, she's one of three people I've told about my sa. The odd time we do chat on here, she asks about it, as she's done tonight. It's horrible talking to someone you actually used to know and see all the time. Telling them how you don't have any friends and don't leave the house. She keeps saying I'm silly, I know she only joking, but it's quite annoying.

She's all grown up and has her own life now, moved a long way away and lives with boyfriend, yay lol. She asked me to see her when she comes back down, I said ok, then she asked what number I lived that, I ain't told her though, incase she turns up here, I don't think she takes that bit seriously. If she turned up here while mum n dad were in, I'd be in a living hell. Wouldn't know what to do. As great as she is, she doesn't understand how I feel.

I really wish I was still with her, but then I think. It would only be the same as it were the first time! She'd end up dumping me because I didn't want to go out anywhere or be with her and her friends. Now that is a really shit feeling, losing your girlfriend and best and only friend in a couple of seconds.

It's been over a year since a last saw her now, thats a really depressing thought! We're just talking about old times now. We sort of noticed eachother before we ever met, used to walk to school the same way. Only met eachother in year 10 when our forms all got muddled up and we had lessons together. Really hard to believe that was 5/6 years ago. I ain't even sure what lessons we had together, definately science cos thats when I remember noticing the fact she had great boobs lol. We might've had PE together cos I remember that was the first time we talked. Was really weird because she just came bouncing up the corridor to me held my hands and started talking as if we were best mates. And we were from then on, until I got kicked out of school, then we were boyfriend and girlfriend, unfortunately while my SA was really taking hold. She dumped me then we had nothing to do with eachother for a year, then met, and now we ain't seen eachother for another year. Sad ain't it

Its all over with!

2006-10-10T23:04:00.000+01:00

Taken me a while to get on ere, pc is fucked again, can't get onto msn, really pisses me off.

But anyway, I went on saturday. She was there, with boyfriend. They were sat in front room when we got there, poked my head round the door and just said "alrite", they said hello, and that was it. She never got up to say hello, and never spoke another word to me for the 5 or 6 hours I were there. Said more to her sister who seems like a nice girl, but yeah I never felt comfortable there, I spent the whole time stood in kitchen with my dad and couple of other blokes. I stood behined the front room door at times during the football. Couldn't go and sit down in there because she was there, and didnt want to stand where she could see me, so ended up hiding. She didn't move from the sofa until I left. Was at the front dor saying bye to her mum and sister, when she decided to get up and come to the door, but I couldn't be bothered to attempt anything so just walked out the door, who knows what she would've said, but she'd had hours to say it.

Was nice to see my mums aunt and uncle again, they think of my mum as their own and me and my sister as their other grandkids. The few other people I spoke to seemed ok, but they're all quite well off so didn't really get things that we'd talk about sometimes.

Overall glad I went, but would never have got through it wihout the 10 or so lagers I had, me and dad were only people there who always had drink in hands! Lol, never mind, won't have to see em for another few years so it all good right now.

One day

2006-10-05T22:14:00.000+01:00

Havn't been on ere since, I dunno when. But I've spent most of my time shitting myself about saturday. It was all confirmed today, my sister has sorted out her hours at work, we leave here about 3, just in time to miss the england game, and to start what could possibly be the most uncomfortable afternoon of my life. Can't wait!

I don't know most of the people my mum was saying who'd be there, but two names stood out. Paul and Rita, Vicky's mum n dad. So I'm guessing she's gonna be there. I'm not scared of seeing her, just her reaction to me turning up. I mean she obviously cut me out of her life for a reason. Should I ask her why? Do we just say hello then ignore eachother for the rest of the time? I just don't know, can't fucking believe I've gotta go down there!

Only glimmer of hope is that my dad doesn't get on with my mums family and he doesn't plan on being there any longer than he has to, plus I've got a really bad ear ache right now so I'm hoping my brains will have exploded by saturday!

G'nite

Can someone be too nice?

2006-09-25T00:28:00.000+01:00

I'm so depressed tonight, ain't felt this bad in a long, long time. I can't stop thinking about that poxy reunion I've got to go to. Been playing it over in my mind, all the different ways it might go. I want to turn up and just pick up where me and Vicky left off, so I want to arrive and have her make a fuss over meeting me. If she did I'd still want to know where she's been this past year. We chatted new years eve morning last year, I txt her just after midnight, and haven't never heard from her since, tried to get in contact for her birthday but couldn't. Why would someone just cut you from their life, especially when you got on so fucking well, it's driving me mad.

Away from that, I've been chatting to a woman on ere who also has SA for about 6 months. This weekend we decided to swap mobile numbers, I'd thought about it but was a bit wary as this was how me and Vicky started and I just couldn't be bothered with all that. Now, I've been nothing but nice to this woman, but all I've had all weekend is grief. Apparently I don't care and she needs to know what I want from her! What the fuck is that about? We got on so bloody well, then she just turns into some complete fucking nutcase. It was nice to have my mobile out and for it to actually be making noises again, but it's now tucked back up at bottom of me sock draw, fuck knows how long for.

So anyway, of all the girls I've ever met, I'd say 99 out of 100 saw me as a friend, which I don't really have a problem with. But I can't help but wonder, if I'm too nice? I've never done anything to hurt any of them and yet they want me out of their lives. That reminds me, the girl who I emailed on her birthday, hasn't replied since last week so I think thats finished for another few years.

I always say that when I left school, I cut everyone out of my life. But looking back, that ain't true. I cut all my boy mates out, ignored their messages etc, but I did keep in contact with most girls, but they've all cut me out of their lives.

Oh crap

2006-09-23T22:58:00.000+01:00

Dunno if you remember but I was dreading a family reunion a few weeks ago, only for it to be cancelled at last minute. I thought that was done and dusted, until mum gets a phone call this morning. Its been re-arranged for two weeks time, and we're definately going, yay.

I'm absolutely shitting myself, can't believe I'm so nervous about something still a fair way off. I don't know most of the people who will be there. But I know one of them, Vicky, my 2nd cousin. She got intouch about 5 years back, we got to know eachother really well, got close then she got a bf and I havn't heard anything from her since New Years Eve. If she ain't there then I reckon it will be ok, once I've had a drink. If she is there, then I really don't know what I'll do. I would be genuinely scared to go in there. It's not so much that she'd be there, its that I know everyone would be expecting us to spend all day together getting on like a house on fire, when I'd actually avoid her as much as possible.

I really don't know what to do, another annoying thing about it is, it's the day England play, when I'd planned to go over N&G's, so thats been pissed up wall, and I'm really shitting myself.

Almost a great night!

2006-09-20T23:42:00.000+01:00

So I went to the game last night, and loved it! I've really missed being part of a football crowd. Got a bit of a sore throat still, but it was all worth it in the end. My cousins gf didn't come and as much as I like her it wouldn't have been the same with her there.

The football itself was absolutely shite, just reminded me why I didn't bother with a season ticket this year, the right decision me thinks. But the crowd, well the part I was in, were fantastic, best it's been down there in almost ten years.

I say it was almost a great night for a reason. I'd had a few drinks so confidence was high and on the way home I got a call out of the blue fom a girl I went to school with. I'd never usually answer, but last night I did, big mistake. I just had to listen to how great her life is for half hour. She's moved in with her boyfriend, expecting a baby, started new job a while back. And for some reason she decided to list all the people from school who she's still intouch with. I don't mind but the girl knows about my sa and the fact I have no friends!

What made it so much worse, was everytime she said something about her life, she wanted to know if I had that in my life, for example.

Her: "Just moved in with my bf, are you seeing anyone yet?"
Me: "No"
Her: "I started new job a while back, the pays so much better, are you working yet?"
Me: "Nope"

and so on and so on.

And it was so close to being a great night!

Going out!

2006-09-19T14:54:00.000+01:00

I'm going out properly tonight for the first time since.... November, I think. When I say properly, I mean without my mum and dad, or a grown up there if ya like. Sure I've been to jobcenter a fair few times but that doesn't count if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm going to a football match with my cousin. The last game I went to was in April, but it's always better when it's just me and my cousin, we have a laugh. The last time we went to a game was that time in November, his gf tagged along that night, and just incase she turns up tonight I've had a couple bottles of lager. The things is, I'm not scared of her now, I'm fine around her, too good infact. I kinda like her, that bothers me. Anyway cousin has just rung to arrange meeting time etc, she weren't mentioned so looking forward to it.

But all this has bought something else to my attention, we went to a game last september, the same game really, 2nd round of the legue cup. This exact time last year was the last time I was out with a friend, not someone in the family. A whole year without any friends now, kinda scary. I met my ex-girlfriend at a pub down the road about 2 then went straight to meet my cousin, while she got picked up by her current bf and went back to her new life. How depressing!

Anyway, I'm determind to enjoy tonight, even if we do lose, again! I should probably stop drinking now though, starting to have the right afect! Horay!

Btw, the random link of the day is, http://www.anxieties.com/sap.php

I havn't read it yet but I'm sure it's a fucking good read. G'nite

StumbleUpon

2006-09-18T20:53:00.000+01:00

I've just come across this thing. Type in a keyword and it will take you to a random site connected to your word. Not suprisingly I've been entering Social Anxiety in everytime. The most interesting one so far is probably, http://similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

Answer the questions and it gives you a rough idea of how messed up you are! lol

Here are my results

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid		66%
Schizoid		82%
Schizotypal		38%
Antisocial		62%
Borderline		62%
Histrionic		34%
Narcissistic		22%
Avoidant		34%
Dependent		58%
Obsessive-Compulsive		34%

I won't read much into it, just something to pass the time, and yeah I'll admit I had to read the bit at the bottom exlaining what each one was!

From now on each time I post something on here I think I might just put a link to some random site at the end, so even when I'm rambling on about nothing the post can still be linked with SA

Social Anxiety

2006-09-18T03:41:00.000+01:00

Its 3:42am, and I've just realised that this blog, thats ment to be about SA, has kinda just become a diary for me. Thats not really what I meant for it to be, its just become a handy place for me to vent and get things off my chest. Which I'm sure it will remain to be, but I kinda wanna concentrate on SA more, not just what a depressing, crappy life i live! But then again, it is called life with social anxiety, so I don't really know where I'm going with this.

For a little while recently my screen name on msn was, I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel. They are lyrics from the new Snow Patrol track. I was up late one night, heard it, and just thought, thats exactly how I feel about SA! If you ask me to explain my SA, I can't. I'd probably say I'm scared of people, but I ain't, I like people, just don't want them to see me. I don't like people looking at me, I think thats why group situations are so hard. I hate having my picture taken and hate people seeing me, because I know what they think when they see me.

I don't think I've ever just said when I feel uncomfortable, so in no particular order...

Talking in front of a group
Having a conversation one on one with someone, face to face
Eye contact, where are you suposed to look when you're talking or listening to someone? I have no idea!
Talking on the phone when someone else is in the room
Answering the phone, you don't know who's on the other end!
I was scared to reply to calls and txts when I left school, incase people asked me to go out, so I guess I am scared of people.
I'm intimidated by good looking people, men and women
When I am with someone, I feel as if everyone else is judging me for being with them
I'm scared of being close to people, I don't know why, I like being close to people
I never sit next to people on the bus or train, if there ain't a seat on it's own then I'll stand
I won't go in back garden if the neighbours are out there, I have to go and check out the window
I have to check the street so I don't walk out the frontdoor while someone walks past or is waiting for a bus
I'm scared of going for a run during the day, because other people will see me
I won't go for a run if it means my mum or dad finding out about it, have no idea why!
I'm scared of family get togethers nowadays because there are cousins bf/gfs there
I don't like eating infront of other people, never go to restaurants!
I don't like queueing in shops

Thats as many as I can think of right now, feel free to add your own! Time for bed me thinks

Just another saturday

2006-09-16T14:20:00.000+01:00

Had a bit of a change round on ere last night, what do ya think? I quite like it, think it looks a bit smarter and more professional if you like.

I'm just sitting here listening to the football, wondering if I should go see N&G, well I know I should go and see em, but as always I spent to much time thinking about it and found an excuse. It's my cousins birthday so she's bound to be over there, with mum, atleast one brother and probably her bf. So that put me off the idea just a little bit. I saw them in the week so I think thats bought me a bit more time. There's an England game next month sometime, I'll definately go over there then.

Not really much else to say, but I do keep wondering how many people actually read this dribble. I know there are a few people who I chat with and email who read it, but is there anyone else out there? I hope so, but ain't getting my hopes up!

I email that girl again, just said I left that job a while ago and ain't doing anything right now, asked what she does and that was it. I'll keep ya up to date

Job center trip 2

2006-09-15T00:44:00.000+01:00

So I had my second meeting at jobcenter today, the scary one. Turned out it was fine, I sat there, she stared at pc, didn't ask me anything then ten minutes later I signed something and left. Piece of piss. I got the bus back ok, turned out I'd got my meeting time wrong and had almost an extra hour to get home before the shits were let loose. Bus took a while to arrive so got a bit panicky but all was well in the end.

But while I were at the bus stop, I couldn't help but notice alot of girls looking at me. They weren't staring, just caught them looking at me. Now, if I was one good looking bastard I could understand it, but I really aint. I checked to make sure nothing was hanging out me nose and that was fine, so no idea what was happening there!

The worst bit of anxiety today was caused by a bunch of 8, maybe 10 year olds! While waiting for the bus up the road, a bunch of kids from my old school, awww, were walking along! They had teachers with em obviously but they were just marching down the street loads of them, then when they got to me, they just stopped. The roads a mile long and they had to stop next to me! Could not believe it, I had to cross over, how sad. I don't think little kids have ever intimidated me before. A new low for my sa.

After a bunch of people telling me not to reply to that girls email, I did, you knew I would! Again, nothing special, just said things still weren't great and asked how she was. I got a reply today. All it said was, "same here, really hate living here now. are you still at the same job?"

So atleast I know she still only lives a ten minute walk away, what good that is I don't know. But just made me realise how long it's been since I've seen or had any contact with her. I quit that job 15 months ago! Now thats a bloody long time ain't it. I'm gonna reply, probably, but don't know what to say. I'd rather not tell her I quit but if I do she'll ask why, when, and what I'm, doing now. And the answer to all of them is far from impressive.

I can see this really depressing me. I know I ain't gonna ask her to meet up, and I very much doubt she will. We'll just keep sending these pointless emails about nothing, until one day she just won't reply, and that will fuck my mind because I'll think of every reason why she didn't. Yet I'm still gonna reply, how fucking stupid, whats wrong with me!

Jobcenter trip 1 + a suprise

2006-09-13T13:58:00.000+01:00

Just got in from jobcenter, was ok, just signed and told them I'd applied for a couple of jobs. The scary trip is tomorrow. They want to review my claim as I've been claiming for a certain amount of time without finding a job. I'll be honest that doesn't really scare me as when I went to sign on I was very honest about my SA and on my forms it says I don't have to contact a certain amount of employers a week, so I should be ok.

The thing that worries me is the trip home. My usual appointment is 10:50am, which has been changed to 11:20 for some reason, but tomorrow I have to be there for 2:50. By the time I get out of there it will be about quarter past 3, when all the schools come out! I'm really shitting myself, the bus I get goes past 3 secondary schools, it's gonna be packed. I think I might just pop into pub on way home and let things quieten down, or maybe have a drink before I leave to calm me down a bit.

I don't really know what to do to be honest. I might ring and ask to change my time in the morning, maybe someone will have cancelled, fingers crossed!

Just a bit to add on, got a phone call about 5, grandad ringing to see if I want to go watch the football with him over me aunts.(My aunt takes me nan down to play Bingo with all her old mates on a wednesday). Now I love watching footie with me grandad, but its never easy at my aunts. It's kinda rough lol. People come and go and someones boyfriend or girlfriend is usually there, plus my older cousin, who's always kinda had a thing for me is very loud and flirty and just likes to draw attention to us. So for someone with SA it's a pretty scary place to go.

I always dread driving round the corner of the road and seeing how many cars are parked outside and how many random people are on their driveway. Today it was a grand total of 7. 3 cousins, one cousins bf(who hates me), and his two mates, plus one of their girlfriends! I said hello to everyone then went indoors. But other than that it was ok, I enjoy seeing my cousin, we've made plans to go to two football games in the next two weeks, hopefully that'll happen, I miss football. We watched the Man U, Celtic game then played video games for a laugh like we did years ago. Then me nan, aunt and cousin get back and things get really uncomfortable. I was kinda hoping we'd make a move once they got in, but no, we had to sit in the front room together. I couldn't stop sweating! Everyone asked me if I had found a job, I said no, they asked what I were doing about it, and so on and so on. Couldn't stop sweating, I was so uncomfortable, was sitting next to older cousin aswell. She flirts, I think, in a jokey way. Always asks if I've got a girlfriend, when I say no, she asks why! Then she told me to join in the convo more, I just shrugged me shoulders and they laughed.

I know she is always only joking and she is a lovely girl, but it makes me so uncomfortable, I could never tell her because within a few minutes the whole family would know how fucked up I am!

Anyway, thats about it, got me out the house for a few hours and hopefully I'll go to them games, I really hope so! Great weather here at the moment, thunder, lightning, the works! The rain coming through me window don't look too good but I do love a good storm! G'nite

Do i or don't i? part deux

2006-09-12T10:43:00.000+01:00

So I got a reply from that girl, nothing special. Simply said, "Thank you very much!! hows u?"

Now I ain't being funny, I know my email was no masterpiece, but I was nice enough to say happy birthday, after a year of no contact. Is it just me that thinks that?

Or does everyone else think...

What was the twat expecting?? The girls made no effort to keep intouch in the past 3 years, surely thats saying something!

I dunno whether to reply or not, I don't know what I want out of this. Three years ago I was madly in love with this girl, I mean proper head over heels, would've done anything for her, in love. She was beautiful, she didn't want to look like the popular girls, all stick thin, bucket of makeup slapped on. You know the type. But when I did see her last year she had become one of them, lost loads of weight, she said she'd had a bad time of it at her job and stuff. I said she could always talk to me, then didn't hear from her until yesterday.

I reckon I shouldn't reply to her, but then I know I won't hear from her ever again, and I do want to hear from her. The ball is in my court now, as I think they say, but I know from thepast, whichever way I play it, I will loose contact with her again.

I'm right aren't I?? lol

A bad nights sleep

2006-09-10T09:55:00.000+01:00

Usually when I dream about being back at school, I'm normal, I don't have SA and I get to see how it could've been. But last night I dreamt about being at sixth from, but with my SA as bad as it is now. It wasn't very nice, were a couple of times during the night where I was sort of awake, you know when you're still asleep but can here things out in the street? But I kept my eyes shut because I was enjoying being around my mates again. How very sad.

Anyway the gist of the dream was, that I was struggling with the work and SA wouldn't let me do some things that I would've done 3/4 years ago, and I was trying to get out of school. Not jumping over the fence like I used to but finding the Dep.Head and getting signed off, out of school forever. It weren't very easy. I could remember everything about it when I woke up, but now I'm trying to think about it I can hardly remember anything!

I remember that everyone from school was there, people I never spoke to in 5 years at that shithole were there. I don't know why but we had lessons in the gym, like during our exams. I was sat at the back, which I always used to do, not to be naughty, but so I wasn't anxious about people sitting behind me. But during the lesson I was asked to read out my answers for something, and EVERYONE in the gym turned round to watch me, that never used to happen! I just froze and was told to see teacher at end of the lesson. After the lesson loads of other people were there and I was trying to tell him that I had SA, but I kept looking around at all the people listening to me, then I burst into tears.

That was when I was woke up by the shits next door, they were making sure their shiny new boots fitted and that the studs gripped the pavement nicely. So they could go and run around up the park and get covered in dog shit! I hope.

Feel shit

2006-09-09T16:07:00.000+01:00

Mum and Dad have gone over nan and grandads(who from now on will be N&G). My dad asked if I were going over there, I said ok, but I need to have shower and that first. So he said ok. Next thing you know, they're going and mum sasys they can't wait for me otherwise they'll get there too late. Dad walked out having ago at me. Admitedly I wasn't exactly in a rush to get in the shower, but still no one said when they were leaving, or more to the point, no one said they were going in ten minutes. So I'm pretty down and pissed off with that.

Then earlier today I was in my room listening to the Liverpool v Everton game and towards the end I heard someone downstairs shout, c ya H****! So I went downstairs to see if someone wanted me, and it was my dads mate and his wife just leaving. Apparently they'd been here hour and half but I honestly had no idea. They'd managed to get through two bottles of wine though so he jokingly said, "Oh, now he comes down, when we leave!" I know he was only joking, but he was quite loud and in the street, made me smile, wave and get back indoors!

Recently I've started to think that people think I'm being rude, by either not going to see them (N&G) or by staying in my room the whole time they're here. Can't be long until my mum or dad has a go at me for being rude. Sister was being such a bitch yesterday, I so badly just wanted to shout down to my mum, "I've got really bad social anxiety and thats why I've been in my room all day while her mates been here!" I didn't have the balls to in the end though, that wouldn't have been the end of it, would've been lots of questions, then when I'd explained it as best as I could, they would turn round and say bollocks, you're just shy.

Can't see this week getting any better, with two trips to the jobcenter and a real chance I'm gonna stop getting my benefits it can only get a lot worse.

Just bored

2006-09-07T23:38:00.000+01:00

Hey, only here cos I'm bored. I'm tired but don't want to go to bed and can't go downstairs because my sister has a mate staying over, joy. I hate having sa in my own home. When a total stranger is in your house, and they have more freedom in it than you. Last week we had someone round to value the house, the whole time he was here I was switching rooms, just so I didn't have to be in the same room as him.

I did end up emailing that girl yesterday, wasn't any point though. Not seen her online in a long time and email only said "Duno if you still use this but if you do, happy birthday. take care, h". That was it, pretty pointless, and no, I havn't had a reply.

I've also cleared my phone out. Got rid of all the numbers of people who I havn't seen in 3 years, my contacts list is pretty empty now, only family people. Phone had been in my cupboard turned off for a week or two, and for some reason when I turned it on, I still expected a bunch of texts and missed calls to come through!

I still can't believe Steve Irwin has died, didn't realise I liked the fella so much! Terrible thing to say, but when I heard the news, I was more shocked and upset than when me dads uncle died a few months back. Really sad news, laughed watching this though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouMrFb8EgNY
Bloke was a complete nutter, but one of the good nutters!

I think thats about it, I applied for a job yesterday, not heard anything back though.

Do i or don't i?

2006-09-04T23:24:00.000+01:00

I've wrote about a girl on ere a few times who I think might have been, the one. Anyway, it's her birthday wednesday. I've always remembered it cos it's my mum and dads anniversary and also my nans birthday aswell. I havn't seen or heard from her since last June. We went for a drink one night after work and I've had no contact with her since. Which is weird because she said she'd give me a lift to work the following week. I think I txt her drunkenly on new years eve, but never got a reply. I don't have any credit so I couldn't txt her if i wanted to, but I was thinking of sending her an email, nothing special just saying happy birthday. I've no idea if she still uses her old address from school.

But do you think it will look a bit weird if I, out of the blue get intouch with her because I know her birthday, after she's made no effort to stay intouch?

I'd like to get intouch, but not if she's just gonna read my email and laugh at how pathetic I am!

Another crap weekend

2006-09-03T20:56:00.000+01:00

So I plan to go over and see me nan and grandad for the first saturday in a few months and what happens, me mum and dad don't go over there. They had plans to go see their mates saturday night so no time to go over there and pick me sister up from work. I was a bit gutted, but relieved at the same time.

But they did go over there this morning, I would've gone if they'd gone this afternoon while Brazil were thrashing the dirty Argies but my dad wanted to go over there for a good few hours then be home in time for football. To be honest I couldn't be bothered with that, I didn't have time to 'prepare' myself to be in a small flat full of people for 4-5 hours. And yes I know thats a pretty shit thing to say.

Other than that this week looks ok, dads back to work so I don't have to pretend I actually do anything other than sit on here all day, the shits nextdoor are back to school and I'm really, honestly gonna try and start running daily again!! I'm fed up with being fat! Wish me luck

SA online?

2006-09-02T13:33:00.000+01:00

Whenever people ask me if my sa affects me in instant messagers, I always say no not at all. I only realised yesterday that thats complete bollocks. Theres a reason why I've got 4 or 5 msn addresses. My oldest I used to use while at school, never gets used now, because all my contacts are people Iwent to school with. Towards the end of using it, I had blocked all my old mates to avoid them trying to talk to me. Why would someone do that?? Its especially strange when I have an address, purely to go on places like myspace and check up on what people from my school are doing! It's so fucked up.

I first found out about SA last november. One of the first things I did was add some people who had it to my contacts. One of them just happened to be a really attractive girl, since I added her nearly a year ago I've only sapoken to her once, maybe twice. It's not as if we're never online at the same time, she's always on, she's on right now lol. So last night I decided to grow some balls and say hello. I think it went well, chatted for about an hour, mainly about sa but other random stuff aswell. I made her laugh, she made me laugh, so we should get on well. But I know I ain't gonna say hello to her, until she says hello to me, or I'll leave it for another 6 months. I dunno why though. I think thats it's just me, but there must be a reason why she never said hello to me, mustn't there?

I don't know, but it is pretty annoying!

It's finally over!

2006-08-29T19:31:00.000+01:00

So they finally left this afternoon. Such a relief. I didn't get to go downstairs until quarter past 2 last night. They came upstairs at about quarter to, then spent ages fucking about on the landing. Anyway I went down and stuffed my face and came up about 3. Decided to just not get up today. My dad came up to say they were leaving but I stayed in bed, knew he was a bit pissed off with that but said I weren't well and it ain't been mentioned again.

But they had one more suprise for me this afternoon, someone came round to value the house. I hate it. A real complete stranger to everyone just wondering around the house, in your bedrooms and everything. Didn't last long though and we were pleasantly suprised by his valuation, but I'd hate to move! New neighbours, I really would never leave the house then, wouldn't go in garden or anything.

Off to jobcenter tomorrow then I can relax till saturday when I've decided I am gonna go see me nan and grandad. England play on saturday so that'll be a distraction for everyone, don't mind just sitting there watching football with me grandad. And cos me mum has to pick me sister up from work they've only been going over there for couple of hours, not all afternoon and night like normal. After that I've got two weeks to just relax and not worry about anyone. Can't wait

The weekend so far

2006-08-28T14:31:00.000+01:00

Didn't go over to see me nan saturday, just couldn't do it. Felt really shit for it. Anyway my dads mate has arrived and they've pretty much taken over the place. It wasn't a sure thing that they'd be staying tonight but when they arrived at the door with a big bag I think that settled it, and guess what, they've put their stuff in my room. Dunno what they think they're getting, but it ain't my bed. I said hello when they got here but I couldn't sit around down there with them, usualy last longer than today, I said hello, had a very quick drink then escaped to my room.

They're all downstairs having dinner now, I'm up ere, STARVING! I'm so hungry, but it's hard enough having dinner with mum, dad n sister. No way I could do it with two strangers down there.

No doubt this SA is getting worse. I never go out now and when people come round I run straight to my bedroom. It ain't gonna get any better today, still more people to come round. No idea what time they're getting ere so I can't prepare myself to go down and say hello, then run back up here. It's really shit.

Added on, it's ten hours later, and I'm still locked up in my room. Dads other mates have been and gone, but the two from Oz are still down there. Can't say I like them, mum ain't been too well but they've let her run around after them all day. I thought they might've taken the hint when she went to bed, but nooooo. I'm so fucking hungry, only staying up so I can go down and stuff my face when they finally fuck off to bed. The other bad point of this is, the longer they stay up, the longer they'll sleep in tomorrow, the later they'll finally fuck off altogether. Can't wait

Bank Holiday, yay

2006-08-26T00:33:00.000+01:00

So this is the weekend all my dads mates are coming, lets just say I ain't looking forward to it. To start with as usual everyone will be over my nan and grandads tomorrow, and I want to go because my nan has been in hospital this week, nothing serious and she's fine, but I should atleast show my face shouldn't I. But because of the hospital thing, it's guaranteed that everyone, aunts uncles n so on, will be over there, and that just makes it ten times harder.

Then monday is when the real fun begins, dads mate and his wife coming over from Australia, plus a couple of his other mates and their families coming to see him. They all used to work together and you can tell he's looking forward to it. But it gets worse, they're all staying monday night. So the nightmare spreads over two days, great!

Depression is in full swing tonight. With september round the corner, I've just realised its almost a year since I last met up with a friend. I've seen people in the street and ignored them once or twice, but the last time I purposely went out to see someone was almost a year ago. Thats pretty bad ain't it. What have I done in that year? Not one days work, not met anyone, been to a couple of family get togethers, but every other second has been spent, at home. I'm off to bed and then the fun can begin in the morning.

Big Brother

2006-08-20T19:57:00.000+01:00

Its a sad thing to admit, but I love Big Brother, always have, always will. Don't matter what freaks they put in there, I will always watch it. But I think my reasons for this are a bit different and much sadder than other BB addicts. During the 3 months that the program runs, these people do become friends, you get to know them. When you don't have anyone else to get to know, you really do focus on these people. Does that make sense? I hate it when its over, thats when it really sinks in just how bad it is. I feel as if I've lost a big part of my life, and the people in the house get their lives back. They get to see their friends and go out again.

Maybe I'm so drawn to the program, because the whole idea of it is the fact these people are locked in a house and can't leave? I dunno and not sure I've described this too well, but hopefully you get a rough idea of what I'm trying to say.

Mixed times

2006-08-19T14:09:00.000+01:00

Start with the good news, not going to my mums aunts 70th. It was sposed to be today, but her two sons are on holiday, which is a pretty shitty thing for them to do, but I was pretty relieved when I heard the news.

The not so good news is, my little sister has started her first job today. How depressing, she's gonna work in tesco, only for a few hours on a saturday, but made me realise I could never do that job. And it's gonna be really hard for me when I do eventually find a job. Meeting new people, being thrown in with a bunch of strangers who will all judge you. But now she has started working theres more pressure on me to find a ajob and not be so pathetic. I'm hoping to have a job by november, just so I have some money for Christmas. After that I'm not really bothered to be honest.

Worst nightmare

2006-08-16T15:15:00.000+01:00

It finally happened. Today I had to go and sign on, and the thing that has scared me the most happened. I saw someone I went to school with. I was walking back to the bus stop and she was walking towards me, I looked at her and she looked at me at the same time, I was gonna say hello but keep walking. But only if she said anything, and she didn't, walked straight pass me. Which, although it's what I wanted, it's now really bothering me. She definately saw me looking at her, so she either didn't recognise me and has no idea who I am, or, she saw me, said to herself "oh there's h****" , then decided to ignore me.

Either way, it ain't great is it, wonder if thats how all my old schoolfriends would react if they saw me in the street.

Prat

2006-08-10T16:20:00.000+01:00

So I bought a new pc off ebay a couple of weeks ago. It turned up yesterday, one problem, it hasn't got windows on. Bugger! I know a bloke who's good with computers, he has a mate who works for microsoft. He's my aunts boyfriend. But I'm scared of asking him to help, I've got his number but can't ring it. He's the bloke who offered me a job a while back, that I turned down of course. Think thats why I won't ring him. But it's so stupid, I've bought a good pc, but now I'm gonna have to send it back just because I can't ask someone for help. No football manager for a little while longer!

My one friend depresses me

2006-08-08T15:05:00.000+01:00

I've mentioned on here a few times that I only really have one friend, my younger cousin, he's 16 but we have a lot in common and have always got on well. We don't talk that often but the few times we do chat online, it's so fucking depressing. All he asks are questions about me, the fact I don't have a job and spend all day, every day indoors.

d: SO WHAT U DOING WITHURSELF ALL DAY?
h: waitin for summin to be delivered so cnt go anywhere
D: OH OK
D: WAT U BEEN DOING WIT URSELF ALL UVA DAYS?
D: DONT U GET FED UP?
h: not really
D: WAT, U DONT GET BORED SITTIN IN EVERYDAY?
D: IM OFF ANYWAYS
D: C YA
h : c ya

Thats the end of convo we just had, the rest of it is pretty much the same. It's so fucking annoying having someone who comes pretty close to being a mate, and them not really knowing anything about you. I could answer every question if I just told him I have sa. He'd never have to ask them again then. But, if I told him about it, I know within a few weeks the whole family would know that H is a bit mental, which isn't something I really want.

Two things coming up in the next few weeks that I'm really shitting myself about. My dads mate who lives in Oz is coming over and he and his wife are staying here, a few of my dads other mates are coming over to see the bloke from Oz aswel, should be fun.

Plus my mums aunts 70th is coming up, nothings been mentioned so far and I hope it stays that way. I wrote about it here, http://lwsa.blogspot.com/2006/05/70th.html , amazing how quickly a couple of months goes!

This should be a really shit month

A glimpse of normality

2006-08-02T17:58:00.000+01:00

Today I had to go to the jobcenter to sign for my benefits, not something I look forward to, have to get the bus there and back and its a busy shopping area, shit loads of people. Had a scary moment when the bus driver pulled over and turned the engine off, thought I'd have to get off and onto the next, much busier bus, but he started it up and off we went.

I got to the jobcenter and waited for my name to be called and when it was, it was the beautiful blonde that works up there. So obviously I shat myself and went over. But it was actually good, she just talked with me like I was normal, I even made her laugh and had a little flirt. Then got on the bus got indoors and I won't leave the house for another two weeks. WHY? Why can't I just be normal all the time, it don't make any sense, and it's really fucking depressing.

Anyone got any ideas?

Skint again

2006-07-28T15:38:00.000+01:00

My benefit money finally came through last week but I got a bit excited having a couple hundred quid in my account and went and bought a new pc. Only bought it so I can go online whenever and play football manager for hours, and hours, and hours.....! But I ain't told my mum, she wants some house keeping from it and I need to pay for my pass plus. So last week I went a bit mad got my pc, which still aint arrived and bought a fan for my room, all the moneys gone and I hadn't given me mum any. By next week there should be about 80 quid in my account, which will go straight to my mum, gonna take me another month and a half after that to be able to afford to take the pass plus thing.

Pass plus is the only thing outside the house I've got to look forward to, but even after that I still won't be out driving, cos I can't afford a car, or even to go on the insurance of my mum and dads motors. It's so fucking annoying. Really wanted my pc to turn up before the weekend but don't look like it will now, so just another weekend sat infront of the tele. Joy

Fucking fuming!

2006-07-26T15:14:00.000+01:00

One of the bastards next door has just come home with couple of his mates, next thing I can hear something on the fence. Have a look out the window and one of his mates is straddled on the fence right by our kitchen. He has a good look round, makes sure no ones there then climbs up onto our kitchen roof. So as I do I start shouting and swearing only for him to say, " I'm just getting onto this roof"!!!!What the fuck! So I continue to f&blind at them go out there but they've gone. I go round the front and the mum has just pulled up so I go out there, my exact words were, so you can tell me if I'm out of line,

me "This little bastard has just been up on our fucking roof!"
bitch "h****, I don't want to talk to you, I've just got in from work"
me "THEY'RE CLIMBING ON OUR FUCKING ROOF!"
bitch " I'm not going to argue with you"
me "no, you havn't got a fucking clue have ya"
bitch "h****......."

I shut the street door at that point, rather wait for the bloke to get in latter, might get somewhere with him, doubt it though.

Just rung my dad so he knows whats happened, dunno if he'll go round there later though.

Depressed as fuck

2006-07-21T12:04:00.000+01:00

Been a really shit few days, my money has finally come through, which is just about the only good thing. Currently got my little cousin on here telling me how easy that bit of work was. He got asked to do it after I said no. He's not getting the message that I'm not interested. He is my only mate even though he's family. Even he's starting to become distant. We agreed to go to a football game tomorrow ages ago, he ain't mentioned it though. In a few weeks I'll get asked if I went I'll say no, he'll say, you should've said, could've come with me. Really pisses me off.

Job search is going nowhere, thought it would be easy once I got my driving license, but everyone wants you to be over 25 or atleast 21. I don't have a car so its pretty useless really, just back to where I started. Without trying to sound dramatic, I really don't know how I'm ever gonna get a job again. Even if I find a job worth applying for and get it, would I be able to stick it out??

Family pressure is starting to build up, out of all the grandkids, I was the only one who passed 11+ and went to a decent school, yet I'm not the biggest failure out of the lot. My elder cousin is making loads as a hairdresser, one younger cousin who has no qualifiacations or anything is earning £300-£400 a week doing labour work. And my other cousin and my sister are both off to college next year, other two are too young to worry about things yet.

He's bought it up, he's going tomorrow with his dad, he's offered to take me but I thought we were already going, apparently not.

Not sure if I've wrote about this but I'm a big football fan, had season ticket down Charlton about 12 years. But cos of lack of money and the fact they're shit I havn't got one for the coming season. Charlton matches are the only things I've been to without my mum and dad the past few years. Only 19 games but atleast it got me out the house, now I've no idea what I'm gonna do. I've said I'll still go to games, but who with!?! My uncle and cousin who I go with have moved to different part of the ground so wouldn't be able to get a seat next to them. And my other cousin, matey one, has got a girlfriend who has a season ticket down there, she has a spare one which he uses for free. So he won't want to pay to go with me. So doubt I'll go to any games at all.

I need a life so badly

Job Offer

2006-07-18T11:24:00.000+01:00

Went over my nan and grandads saturday. Was a family day in their old peoples place. Get there and my aunt and her boyfriend are sitting there, get on with him, he's a good bloke. But the first thing he said to me, infront of everyone was, "what you doing monday?" So I ummmd and arrrd and had to say nothing cos me mum and dad were there. Anyway he asked a few more times and I eventually came up with, what I think is a bloody good excuse, "Sorry mate, I've just signed on, still waiting for me money, don't want to come off and then have to wait another two months, but thanks." Genius! I thought so anyway.

So I'm nowhere near ready for work with relatives, I dunno why, just scares me. So hard to explain, think thats one of the worst things about it. I just have no idea how to explain it all. It's just shite.

Much better news this morning, finally got a letter from the jobcenter, they can pay me benefits, nice of them to get around to that, I only signed on ten months ago.

Nowt much else happened so thats about it.

Shite computer

2006-07-11T10:48:00.000+01:00

Havn't been online in a few weeks, my pc is fucked again, can't do nothing on it, so back to using my sisters as and when I can.

Figure I should update anyone who reads this on the past few weeks. The football/birthday went well, ended up watching it in the garden, lots of people there but it was ok, until England got knocked out the following week. Last monday was my driving test, I passed, great news! Now I just need, a car, and insurance. To get that I need money, so I need a job....... bugger! Not as easy as I thought it would be after getting my license. Thought there'd be loads of jobs about, and there are, they all just want you to be over 21. But I'm stcking with it, got to be something out there.

I still havn't received my benefits, been two months since I signed on and still nothing. Really is a piss take.

Had to go to my dads uncles funeral last week. Never a nice thing, but didn't help it was the hottest day of the year so far. I couldn't stop sweating during the service. People thought I were wiping away tears when all I was doing was trying to keep sweat out of my eyes, boiling hot weather and being stuck in a room with loads of people don't go well together.

I think thats about it, just trying to find a job now, wish me luck.

World cup/birthday

2006-06-22T14:22:00.000+01:00

So it's my cousins birthday sunday and everyone's over there. But another problem, for me anyway, has come up. England got through to the 2nd round of the cup and will play on sunday. Last week I had to leave the room and there were only a few people there, sunday, there's gonna be about.....20ish people there. Most will want to watch the football, I won't be able to sit in a room with that many people. There is hope though, if it rains then its all off, but I would like to watch the footie with me cousin rather than in my room on my own.

During a match the other day my mum asked why I hadn't gone to the pub to watch it. I made up some crap about wanting to watch the game tactically, concentrating on it. What a load of bollocks, I'd love to be down there with a bunch of mates, but I don't have any and even if I did I don't think I'd cope.

Something strange happened yesterday, I was over the park kicking ball about, gave it a thump and an old boy walking past kicked it back, then just started chatting. I ended up talking to him for about an hour. He lives in New Zealand now and had came back while world cup is on, he got a bunch of tickets lucky sod. But we just talked about everything, was nice, in a weird way lol.

Next couple of weeks

2006-06-19T09:36:00.000+01:00

So the next few weeks are pretty scary. I've been signed on for a month but havn't had a penny yet so looks like a bunch of phonecalls are gonna have to be done. Then sunday is my cousins birthday, everyone there for a BBQ. Hopefully if the weathers like this, cloudy n windy, they'll call it off. My cousin is probably my best, only mate, but it ain't even a big birthday. No need to have a big celebration over it. Plus its during the world cup so I'll either miss a game, or have to watch it in a room full of people, joy. My nan and grandad came over last saturday so I could watch england game with my grandad, but everyone sat in the front room, me, mum, dad, sister, nan and grandad in a little room on a hot day. Got too much so I walked out at half time and watched 2nd half in my room.

So weight loss 06 was a disaster, i lost 5 pounds then put on 10, not a great success. So I've started again. Got on the scales last week to find I've somehow dropped to 16st 11. Lost about a stone with no effort at all. So cycling didn't work and I get bored running. So I've taken to going over the park with a football and just kicking that about. Its a massive park, always have a field to myself so no anxiety, plus I like football, its actually fun. I spent an hour and a half last thursday trying to hit my bike from 30-40yards. Took a while to get back into it (havn't played in a long time!), but it was good fun and I ran a fair distance. So gonna try do that atleast 3 times a week and see if it has any effect. Also I've started to eat a bit more healthly. I've started eating, wait for it.......fruit! Havn't touched the stuff in years, turns out I quite like apples. So we'll see how things go, got a trip to jobcenter wednesday, hopefully i'll get some money.

Jobcentre trip

2006-05-24T13:20:00.000+01:00

So today I had to go to jobcentre to try and sign on again. Success! Not certain yet but I've done my bit, cos I quit my last job my claim has to be sent somewhere so they can decide if I'm worthy of 40 quid a week. Didn't all go perfectly though, my appointment was 9.40 so imagine my suprise when I get there and find it don't open till 10! So after some choice words I was allowed in. They now have security guards on the doors to decide who can and can't go in, they sent Debbie to deal with me, she made the other guards look like midgets! But I'm on and as far as I'm concerned thats it.

A big group was waiting at the door come 10, all the usuals, immigrants, pikeys etc, but there was this blonde girl. Looked so innocent, couldn't help but wonder what someone like her was doing there. I saw her again while waiting at the bus stop, laughed at some weirdo there together, maybe I'll see her next time, hopefully. Wasn't being nasty to the weirdo, he was slapping himself so I just thought he had Tourette's, but then he started balancing on one hand and one foot, and slapped himself again while talking to himself, couldn't help but laugh.

So thats my day done

Another stamped envelope

2006-05-18T20:31:00.000+01:00

Just aswel I got to the post 1st today, another envelope came through with Mental stamped all over it, really pisses me off, mum was at home today, what happens if she gets there first?? Anyway, it's a copy of a letter sent by the bloke I met at the mental center to my gp, decided I'm just gonna write it all here, blank out names then hopefully anyone who reads this can let me know what they think, cheers.

Thank you for referring H**** to the community assesment treatment team. I saw him for an assessment on 18th April 2006.

H**** did not present as having a serious enduring mental illness. Although his mood is extremely variable overall he did not appear to be depressed.

It appears that H**** was overwhelmed by his experiance of attending a grammar school and that this might have contributed to his apparent lack of confidence. This also appears to have led him to being seperated from a group of friends that he made at primary school. An incident happened when H**** was aged 11. H**** felt humiliated by the actions of his friends and this further undermined his confidence and sense of self esteem.

It was not possible to get a detailed picture of H****'s upbringing and current family life. In general terms H**** conveyed that this was good. Interestingly H**** does not have the confidence in his parents to share his current difficulties and to enlist their supprt. This is something that I encouraged him to do.

H**** did not qualify for a service from a secondary mental health team on the grounds of mental illness. His anxiety though seemed to be of a degree that it limited his social relationships and ability to enter the world of work. With this in mind I discussed his case within the team and it was agreed to refer him for a further assessment with a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist.

So thats about it. I can't argue with too much of it, but don't like the way he makes it sound weird I aint told parents, thats just part of SA ain't it?

Eventfull 24 hours!

2006-05-13T21:46:00.000+01:00

To start with the family get together was ok, it was just family, I don't know why but none of his mates were there, not that you'll find me complaining! I didn't get completely wrecked and just about managed to get through the night, even managing to find the balls to talk to his girlfriend at one point.

Then today, Liverpool won the FA Cup, the legend that is Stevie Gerrard scoring to crackers! Then I had a massive argument with the neighbours. For some time now their kids have been running wild in peoples gardens and I had it out with their dad this evening, only to be told they're just kids. Thats why they go in everyones gardens, swear at us and permanently look through our windows, I told him I'd call the police if I catch them again and left it at that!

Lastly, I've JUST TOLD MY SISTER ABOUT SA. We were talking about last night, and I let slip that I was shitting myself about going, she asked why, I told her not to tell mum and dad then told her all about it. Took her a bit by suprise and she didn't say too much, just asked few questions then I made her promise not to tell anyone. She's now looking it up on the net, just hope she don't find this, or any of my posts on SA forums!

So it's been eventfull, but I havn't lost anyweight. Been doing some proper exercise this week, to loose.......... nothing! Starting to wonder if it's really worth it.

Family party / Hell!

2006-05-12T16:37:00.000+01:00

So, tonights the night, and I've been 'preparing' myself all day. I won't go into too much detail, but I'd visited the bathroom 3 times before 10am. Other than that I've been trying not to think about it too much. I had an hour driving lesson at 11, after that I cut the grass, fine aslong as the neighbours are at work, then I had a bath and now I'm sitting here writing about how fucking scared I am!! Good news today, I can take my driving test, hopefully in the next 8 weeks I'll be able to post about having my license!

So just under four hours until a night of hell, and lots of drink starts. I don't mind family get togethers, aslong as thats it. Nobody brings any mates and so on. Unfortunately my cousin is normal, so he does have friends, and they will all be there tonight. I have two options, get there early and be the first there, but will be there for longer, or get there late, be the last ones there and have to walk into a room full of people to say hello, not for me. I walk in, say hello, then stand in the kitchen with me uncle talking about football, while drinking. Thats about it for me, maybe after 5 or 6 pints I'll find the balls to wander into the main room, only to sit in the corner.

Have a good night

70th

2006-05-10T17:01:00.000+01:00

So it's my mums aunts 70th in August, and we've been invited down there, mums said I have to go. Problem is, and stick with me, it's time for a ramble! A couple of years back there was a massive family reunion and my sister got friendly with another girl there, Emma. Couple of months later I get an email from a girl called Vicky, Emma's big sister but she weren't at the party. Anyway we kept intouch and got to know eachother really well, but we never met up. We arranged to once but she pulled out at the last minute, after I'd spent a fair bit of money on a train ticket and so on. So obviously I were a bit pissed off but we stayed in contact. Then I don't really know why but last year we had next to no contact, no phone calls, no txts and no emails. Just before Xmas she was online and we chatted and she's engaged! Really changed how we were with eachother and havn't heard from her since New Years Eve, dunno how she is, what she's up to or if she's still with this bloke. But her nan is my mums aunt, and I'm guessing she'll be at her 70th. That scares me, but the thought of her turning up with her boyfriend scares the shite out of me.

Anyone know what I mean? What would I do? Wouldn't be able to talk to her with him there, would just sit other side of room and try to avoid her, wouldn't be able to do that after getting to know her so well.

It's a couple of months away, but I'm worried already

Depressing nightmare

2006-05-08T09:41:00.000+01:00

So it's quarter to ten on a monday morning, and once again I'm indoors! But last night I had such a crap nightmare. Very weird, it was back when I was at school and the whole school were at a Charlton match, I don't know why! lol, But after the game, we were walking out and aliens attacked earth, as they do! Next thing I know the whole school are trapped in a glass corridor, just running from one end to another while the aliens are blowing up the corridor bit by bit. They were in their ships, they'd fly off, everyone relaxed, then they'd come back, float next to the corridor and shoot. Lol so anyway, it wasn't really scary or anything, just depressing. As I was running up and down this corridor I was shouting out for someone. Sam, the girl I was best friends with and madly in love with. I think I've mentioned her before, havn't heard from her since last year. Back to the nightmare, I was doing everything I could to keep her safe. Putting my life on the line and all the rest of it. I don't know what happened in the end. The last thing I remember Sam was huddled on the floor and I was on top of her cos one of these ships had lined up with us, then I woke up and remembered I had to take the bins out.

So that was it, makes no sense and I am now just really depressed. I havn't thought about Sam in a long time, then all of a sudden you dream about saving her life and so on. Just makes me remember how depressing it was to have this beautiful girl as your best friend, and not being able to be honest with her, she was just my perfect girl, now I know nothing about her, dunno where she is, what she's doing, if she even remembers me. Didn't hear from her for my birthday, usually get a text message atleast. Her birthday is 6th September, same as my nans and my mum and dads anniversary. Also it's the day I was christened, can't help but think she was the one. I doubt I'll do anything about her birthday, if I don't then she is definately out of my life. But if I do, she may remember how mad about her I was, how much she liked me and in the dream world we all live happily ever after! Who knows, I told her how I felt after we left school and her exact words were, "You are perfect, but not for now". Apparently I would've been to protective, I was someone she could see herself settling down with, just not be with at that time in her life. Wonder where she is in her life now.

It's gonna be a shit day

A day of supirses

2006-05-07T19:43:00.000+01:00

So today was my cousins christening, only I have no idea who they are. We are close to my dads family, but I know nothing about my mums. So today my mum and sister went down there to see them while me and my dad carried on with the sanding in the kitchen. After a few hours of that we retired to the garden and got talking, I popped the question, why wasn't mums family at your wedding. And a whole load of crap came back at me! lol. As far as I was aware my grandfather had died in WWII and my nan was now with a bloke called Bob. But no, my mum found my grandfather dead in the front room when she was 14/15. But thats not all, he had been having an affair, the woman he had been seeing fell pregnant and he told my nan. They couldn't have children so they decided to adopt her. So my mum doesn't actually know who her mother is and her father is dead. Came as a total suprise. There was a whole load of other stuff after that, but I won't go on. All though I don't know any of them, I only get a card at Christmas saying "Love, Nan and Bob". Turns out none of them are actually biologically related to me, my grandfather is dead and I have no idea who my grandmother is.

I know its of no interest to anyone else, but I don't really have much else to write about. Apart from my mums aunt turns 70 in August, I'll tell you why I'm shitting myself about that next time

Just another friday night

2006-05-05T18:43:00.000+01:00

Summer is here but I'll be spending yet another friday night in my bedroom. All in all it's been a pretty good week. I've managed to get out the house everyday. I've been cycling everyday. I go to the park and just ride around all the fields twice, apparently its about 5 miles, can't be bad can it? So imagine my suprise to get on the scales and find I've lost a quarter of a pound, yes thats right, a whole quarter of a pound!! I'm gutted, last week doing nothing I lose 5 pounds, this week actually doing exercise I lose nothing.

So as I said it's another friday indoors, but not next week. Next week is my cousins 18th birthday, so all the family have to get together. I won't lie, I'm shitting myself already. It's worse at their house because they all have their girlfrinds/boyfriends and mates there aswell. They're normal you see. When the family are round ours it's just family, same with my other uncle and aunt, which is bad enough, but when you throw in a group of mates and their girlfriends it's all way too much for me. I'll probably come down with a mystery illness thursday night but be made to go anyway. Spend the night getting wasted and avoiding rooms full of people, fun.

Flu

2006-04-30T16:55:00.000+01:00

I havn't been on this week because I've had flu, so the start to weight loss 06 didn't go too well. I managed to go for a run monday morning. Just over two miles and I'll admit I didn't get round without stopping but it was more than enough for me, then the flu hit and that was about it. A week spent it bed drinking tea with plenty of sugar and a fair few biscuits. But to my suprise I've just jumped on the scales to find I'm down to 17st even! As you can imagine that came as a bit of a shock, but I can go two ways from here. I can either spend the next few months in bed with tea and biscuits and hope the pounds keep falling. Or I can actually do some exercise, surely I'll go from morbidly obese to just plain obese in weeks!!

I'm gonna, try, and go with the second option, try and go for atleast two runs and try and get out on my bike a couple of times too.

So 5 pounds lost this week, lets see what the next 7 days bring!

Just another sunday night

2006-04-24T00:15:00.000+01:00

Just here out of boredom really. It's quarter past 12, I don't have to be up for work in the morning and I have nothing better to do. Quite depressed right now, guess thats why I'm really here. I have 5 contacts online right now, one is my one, and only ex-girlfriend and the others are all fellow SA'ers who I think are bored with me. It's almost always me who starts any conversation, and I don't just rabbit on about myself so I guess these people just don't like me. The ex started a convo but thats quickly grounded to a halt when her current boyfriend got bought up. I've just been invited into a group conversation on msn, but they scare me. How fucking pathetic is that! I have no problem one on one with someone, but a group convo is just as bad as actually being with a group of people, for me anyway.

One really pathetic thing about me, is I just lied to you, I don't have 5 people online, only four. But I didn't want anyone who reads this to think I was that lonely, how sad. There are four people online, I have spoke to all of them and each convo has just stopped. It must be me, it ain't them, I want to talk to them!

This blog has started to get to me aswell now, I check it regularly to see how many comments I have, obviously I have none. Starting to get to me like my mobile does. I don't expect people to constantly be on here telling me the sun shines out my arse or anything, just want to know that other people are out there and that they know how I feel. Dare I ask if anyones reading this, not sure I want to know come to think of it.

Comfort eating

2006-04-22T16:29:00.000+01:00

Since I left school I've put on A LOT of weight. At school I was about 12st, today I am 17st 5. In other words I'm officially one fat bastard. I've always been big built and got away with being a big lad as I'm quite tall. But when you go a few years sitting on the sofa only getting up to eat and sleep your bound to put on weight, and I have. So, this week I'm gonna try and do something about it, to start with I'll eat less and I'm gonna try and go for a run every weekday while it ain't too busy. I went through a period of late night jogging a couple years back and I got fitter than ever, but never lost any weight. I ended up gaining weight and there was no change in my physical appearance so I stopped, now I have to start again. I also want to start swimming again. Even if its only once a week it's still exercise ain't it? I enjoy swimming, havn't been since school and never enjoyed that. Wearing only shorts around lots of people, not my idea of fun. But if I go on my own during the day when it can't be that busy I should be ok, I'd like to lose a bit of weight first though.

So this week will hopefully be the first week of the rest of my life, just like last week! But I really want this. In two years my family are going to Vegas for my 21st and my sisters 18th. By then I want to be able to go to the pool and feel a bit confident about me and my body, do you know what I mean? I'm never gonna have a six pack and ripling muscles, I aint built like that, but I don't have to have a huge belly and the first signs of man breasts!!

So I'm hoping if there are people out there who know I'm ment to be losing weight then it will urge me on. Every weekend I'll post my weight, hopefully that will be enough to urge me on. I don't know any of you, if anyone is even there, but I still don't want to come on here next week to say I've put on weight. So I'm 17,5 now, lets se what the week brings!

Phones, emails, forums etc

2006-04-19T17:56:00.000+01:00

So one of the most annoying things in my life are phones, emails and forums. Annoying might not be the word, if it weren't for the internet I wouldn't have any contact with anyone! They're more depressing than anything really. Especially my mobile phone. When I was working last year I treated myself to a brand spanking new phone with all the bells and whistles. Had it about a year now, in that time I've had less than 5 calls from people outside of the family. Same with txt messages. I never get any, but I always check my phone! Everytime I walk into my room, I have to check that someone hasn't txt or rung me out of the blue. I think I may have a small case of OCD, but I doubt it. But it's so annoying. If I were to post on a forum now I'd have to check that forum a few times every hour, just incase someone has replied. I don't think this is caused by my SA, guess I'm just really desperate for friends.

In the past few days I have told someone from school about my crappy life and how serious it's got. She has been really good about it, very suportive. She understands that I can't talk to her on the phone but she txt me to see how my appointment went and so on. She wants to see me and I'd like to see her but not sure I can right now. She's actually the girl I ran away from on the bus last year, I told her about my reason and maybe she's being so supportive because she's seen how it affects me.

Todays example: Think it's about time for another example. I arranged to meet an old school friend last february for a drink. At the last minute I got a call saying the plans were the same, but there'd be more people as it was someones birthday, so I said ok, what could go wrong? So I got to the pub at the agreed time, walked in and saw some familiar faces towards the back, so I walked through only to see a huge table full of smiling happy faces from school. I just stopped dead, turned round and walked out. I txt my mate saying I'd been called into work and that I were sorry, not heard from him since though. If I'd stayed it could've gone two ways, there could have been constant questions about what I'd been up to the past two years, which would've made me the center of attention, which I hate. Or I could've sat down and no one had cared, which would've made me feel that everyone was looking at me just not saying anything. So either way I would've atleast thought I was center of attention, I guess thats one of my biggest fears.

Post mental trip

2006-04-18T13:04:00.000+01:00

So I'm back, didn't get anything from it but I'm not pissed off, well I am a bit!

Was basically sat in a small box room with a bloke asking lots questions, about my sleep, memory, ex girlfriend, everything. But I had the same problem, I can't explain how it makes me feel. I could only give him examples. But he made the point that this CBT that people have, only works if you know what your scared of. You need to be able to write what scares you down on a bit of paper, I can't. He used the example he can go into a shop and see someone with a gun, that scares him and he knows what he's scared of. But what am I scared of when I'm in a shop?? I dunno, and thats why there's nothing they can do for me. He's gonna write to my gp and advise her to put me on the waiting list for counciling, but it's up to her, she doesn't have to.

So after that I went over to the jobcenter and the woman I need to see is off ill, fucking handsome! Walked out and the day had one more suprise for me, I hadn't noticed the mental health place was right next to where my uncle works! When I did notice i shat myself and started walking, only to see me uncle walking down the street towards me! Said hello and told him I'd been jobcenter and he had to get back. Just think if I'd taken 2 minutes longer in mental place he would've seen me strolling out of there, that would've taken some explaining!

Mental Health Trip

2006-04-17T20:38:00.000+01:00

So tomorrow is the big day. I have my assessment appointment at the mental health center. I don't really know what I'm expecting, but I am shitting myself! To be honest I'm not sure I'll get there, just getting the bus with all the school kids in the morning is gonna be a big step for me.

Also plan to go to jobcenter tomorrow and finally get some help with benefits. Dunno how I'll get on there though. Last time I tried was September last year, had an appointment for the week after but never went, got the form sitting infront of me. Kinda hoping I can just turn up tomorrow and follow from where I left off.

So tomorrow is a really big day for me, could be the first day of the rest of my life, hopefully, or it could be a shit depressing day that ends with me coming home, no better than when I went out and probably getting pissed.

Wish me luck!

Relationships

2006-04-15T11:02:00.000+01:00

Unlike a lot of people my age with SA, I've had girlfriends! It makes me feel that little bit more normal, even if my last was 2 years ago. My longest relationship was about 7 months. I won't tell you her name, I'm still quite nervy about someone somehow reading this and saying, THATS H! Thats why I'm H and not H.... lol

Anyway she was a girl at school and she was a good friend before. She had told me she liked me a few times before but I'd always said it was best to just be mates. But after I left school I wanted to be with her, without all the pressure of everyone at school knowing! We eventually did get together. But she lived with her friend and her friends family. So I hated going to her house, only actually went in about 3 times, and she only came to mine once. All our time together was outside, just walking around or sitting on a bench watching the world go by. We never went to the cinema, to dinner, any thing like that. I took her to two football matches, they were the only times we actually went anywhere. Eventually she got a bit fed up of me walking her home and then running away. I got a phone call one friday, which I didn't answer the first 3 times, saying we needed to talk. She told me she couldn't keep going like this, I walked her home and that was it. That was about 2 years ago, only seen her once since then. Not seen anyone else from school in that time.

So thats how SA fucked up the only good thing I've ever had. I havn't been with a girl since june last year and that was only the slapper from work, while very drunk I might add. Can count the number of times I've had sex while sober on one hand!

Decided a better way to get across how SA affects me is to give examples. So every now and then I'll give you one. Nothing special, just something I've done because of SA

Todays example: Back in november I got on a bus. I always sit at the back on the bottom, all the yobs go upstairs and if I'm at the back no one can look at me! So I got on this bus, it was busy and I looked at the back only to see one of my best mates from school there. She smiled and waved me over, I kinda smiled, then ran straight up the stairs. Who does that?? I never sit upstairs, I could feel my phone vibrating but never answered, was obviously her. Havn't heard anything from her since.

Friday nights!

2006-04-14T22:48:00.000+01:00

When you have SA, you get used to being at home on a friday night. While most 19 year olds are probably out in a club or bar with their mates, trying to pull the birds, I sit at home, in me room either online or watching tele. Personally, I have never been in a club. The whole idea of the place scares the crap out of me. Loads of people all confined in a small space, the whole idea being to push people together and make them have a good time, not my cup of tea! lol

So I have been in every friday night since june 17th last year. That was my last day at work and the only friend(who I've had no contact with since) I made there went for a drink with me. That was ten months ago. One of the worst things about working, are the questions that come on a friday afternoon and monday morning. Got any plans for tonight?/Do anything nice over the weekend? I was asked these every week, and every time I lied. As far as the people in the office were concerned I was out every week with my mates having a drink and just having a good time. It's so much easier to say that and let them think your normal. Imagine going in on a monday morning and,

"Good weekend? Weather was lovely weren't it?"
"I wouldn't know. I have no friend so I spent the weekend in my bedroom with my pc"
"Oh...ok"

Yeah that would go down well!

I havn't told my parents about my SA. As far as they're concerned I'm just a bit shy. But they obviously notice that I don't go out, there are never any phone calls for me and so on. I havn't told them cos I think they'd think I was just making an excuse not to work. They wouldn't understand it, how it makes me feel, how much I'm dreading going to my cousins 18th next month!! I'll try and get out of it with the usual fake illness but doubt I'll get away with it.

I've rambled on enough for one night, not that anyone actually reads this! lol

Next time I'll tell anyone who wants to know, all about the time I had a girlfriend, then I'll tell you how SA fucked that up for me!

Appointment

2006-04-13T17:24:00.000+01:00

So today, me and my dad are sanding down the kitchen floor, when my mum stops us and gives me the phone, that never happens!

"Hello?"
"Hi, this is Carol from the mental health center at bexleyheath"
"Oh....hello"
"I'm just checking that you will be going to your appointment next week"
"Yeah I guess, you didn't tell my mum who you are did you??"
"No I just said it was a private call"

So my mum reckons I've got an appointment at jobcenter next Tuesday. Guess I should fill you in. The last time I went to my gp, to get me to leave him alone he referred me to the mental health service. I got a letter from them asking me to explain how I feel and what I think is wrong with me. It was the first time I'd ever wrote about it, I filled the page and thought nothing of it. I eventually got a reply and the offer of an appointment next Tuesday. Can't say I'm looking forward to it, or getting there! I'll have to get the bus. Appointment is half 9 so bus will be nicely filled with school kids. I wasn't going to go until she rung. But I've decided I will, and I'm gonna try and visit the jobcenter afterwards. Next week will be the first week of the rest of my life! I'm going to actually look for a job and try and get into some sort of shape, need to lose weight big time!

So, that was today, nowt much happening, as usual. Charlton lost in the FA Cup quarter final replay last night so I don't have to worry about coughing up 55 quid for a semi final ticket!

Also some good news, the neighbours appear to have gone away for the weekend, got a right pair of bastard kids! Climb over fences to get their balls and so on, permanently in the garden shouting and now swearing while mum sits indoors and does nothing about them, but atleast we've got a few days away from them!!

My life, how SA affects it, but mainly me rambling on about shite!

2006-04-11T21:11:00.000+01:00

So, I imagine most people havn't got a clue what social anxiety disorder(SA) is. Well it's hard for me to explain exactly what it is.

http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.html

http://www.degnanco.com/anxiety/symptoms.html

These are just two sites I quickly found that help to explain it. It can affect different people in different ways. I think I've got it pretty bad, but there are some people who can't leave the house, I can, just prefer not to!

Some people believe that SA can be caused by a humiliating moment in life, and I agree. As a kid I was perfectly normal. Had lots of friends, was in the school football team and would be out every day after school, playing in the park, round mates houses, just being normal.
But I had one friend, Adam. He never fitted into my group of mates, he never got into the footie team and would constantly tell me how much he hated my two best friends, Glen and Jack. There was nothing I could do about it, he just didn't like them, so I thought. I went round to his house one day to find all my mates there, I can remember the exact words that screwed up my life. Jack said, "hey h, are you sleeping over tonight aswell?" I was so embarrassed, I burst into tears and went home. This was during the summer I left primary school, I already knew I was going to a different school to all of them, but avoided them all summer, and have never spoken to them since. I wasn't angry with them, just humiliated. I knew Adam had used me to gain all these friends. He was and probably still is an only child, spoilt and didn't have many mates, but he had all mine from then on, and probably before.

At secondary school I had mates, I'd hang around with them in school but never went out with them once. I know I'm a good bloke, I just can't let anyone else get close. I don't know why I didn't go out with my friends, I'd spend all weekend indoors and same for the holidays, six weeks during the summer just sat indoors with the tele. I left school 3 years ago with 5 gcse's. On the last day everyone had arranged to go to the park and have a drink, but not me, I made up an excuse as I'd done every other time I'd been asked to go somewhere. I said I couldn't go because I had a funeral! When I walked out of the school gate for the last time, I didn't feel sad, just relief! I knew I didn't have to be with people all day every day anymore. I was madly in love with a girl called Sam, she was also my best friend, but I was still relieved that I wouldn't have to see her everyday and hide the way I felt about her. In the past 3 years I've seen her 3 times, last time was last summer. I found the balls to txt her New Years Eve, but never got a reply.

I got my first fulltime job last january, in a small, but busy office. I lasted 6months before I had to quit. I just couldn't be in such a small space with people. I saved my wages because I knew I'd end up quitting, they ran out about a month ago. I havn't worked since June. I don't claim benefits because I can't go to the jobcenter. I eventually found enough bollocks to ring the jobcenter and they said I could claim incapacity benefit, if I got a sick certificate from my gp. I went to my gp 4 times, each time they said I was just shy and to stop wasting their time. They did however refer me to the mental health service(more about that later).

And thats just about where my life is right now, I do nothing. I know I've rambled on about crap but it's my blog and I don't care! lol I don't know how often I'll write here simply because there ain't much in life to right about, but you never know aye

Introduction

2006-04-11T20:57:00.000+01:00

Hi, I'm H, I'm 19 years old and I live in south London. To be honest, I'm not really sure why I'm starting this blog. I thought it would be a good way to write down how I feel and about things that happen in my life, then I remembered I don't really have much of a life! Anyway I'm gonna do it and hopefully this will become a bit of a success and other SA'ers will be able to read through and maybe relate to how I feel or maybe give advice to myself and others. I don't really know, but whats the worst that can happen!