Is it worth it?

So, two weeks ago, my dads, cousins, husband died. Completely unexpected and very sad, my dads cousin lost her father only a few months ago. Anyway, knowing that we would have a funeral to go to I started desperately looking for work. The last two funerals I've been to I've had to tell these relatives that I don't do anything, or that I'm "between jobs", only problem is I'm between jobs for years at a time! So I rung an agency who got me work a short while ago and asked if they had anything, they did and I started Monday. Lovely

The work is on a local council and its pretty shit. I'm basically a binman, no offence to any binmen out there but it's not what I want to be doing for the next 40 years. But I said I'd do it, purely so that tomorrow at the funeral, when people ask, what you up to now, I can atleast say I'm working, they don't need to know what as, and if they ask, I'll lie. As far as my parents know I'm on the ground maintencane crews, going around the borough doing gardening jobs.

Eariler tonight my grandad rung for my dad, but he'd just got in shower so I was talking to him. He asked what I'd done today and I told him I'd been to work. He asked where/doing what and I told him, but lied obviously. Thinking he would say "good", or atleast "ok". But no, instead my grandad told me, "Thats no good is it boy, need to pull your fucking finger out."

Now, bearing in ming I've only done one months worth of work in the past two years, you'd think he'd be a little relieved that I was atleast working and earning some money, not alot though obviously! I couldn't believe what he said to be honest. I know my grandad is especially gutted at how I've turned out. Out of all his grandchildren, he's got 7, I was the only one who showed promise at school, I managed to pass the 11+ and got into a grammar school. Then things went bad and here I am! My other cousins, although thick as shit, have got and held down, quite well paid jobs. I was the one who was meant to go to university and do well in life. Instead I empty bins and collect peoples rubbish for a living.

It's pissed me off that I'm actually tempted to tell people what I really do tomorrow. See his face when I start telling our, fairly well off relatives, that this week I've swept around 10 miles of road, had to leave home at 3.30am this morning to shovel shit of the road before there was too much traffic, empty the public bins for another 2 miles and that after all that I'll take home less that 200 quid this week.

Is it worth it?? As someone with bad social anxiety, it really helps me to be able to say I have a job, no matter what it is. I am earning my own money and HAVE to leave the house every morning and spend 8-9 hours with a bunch of other blokes. I am glad for that. On the other hand I live in fear that someone I know will see me emptying the bins, wouldn't take long to get around. I won't see my psychologist all the time I have this job. I havn't seen her in about 2 months now I think. I have told her I'll try to arrange something where maybe I can take an afternoon off every two weeks to meet her, but realistically I know that the council won't stand for that and they'll let me go and bring another agency worker in who will do a full day.