It's been a while...

So I havn't posted since before my birthday. A fair bit has happened since then, first off I have a new job. I actually started on my birthday, that was kinda nice, for most of the day I completely forgot it was my birthday. Seems so long ago, time has really flown by.

The birthday 'party' if you can call it that was ok, passed without incident. My Dad had to work that night though as it was snowing, put a downer on it. But overall no serious public embarressment(sp?). I even had a flirt with a girl there.

So anyway, I worked for two weeks, then had a holiday lol. We went off to Vegas for 8 days. It was fooking fantastic, I miss it so much.

I love America, only been twice but it is sooo much nicer than this dump. We stayed at Excalibur, which was alot better than I was expecting, had a great view over the Luxor, I'm trying to put some pics up, dunno how to though, should be a link on here somewhere which will take you to them anyway!

We did trips to the Hoover Dam, very nice, and the Grand Canyon, amazing! Just wish we'd gone at sunrise or sunset, to see all the colours and shadows. Me and my sister went to the top of Guano Point, very cool, but there was one part where had to literally step over a half a foot gap, go wrong and it was a long way down lol!

Hope these pics have worked, but, if not then there is a link on the right to my panoramio, more pics there too.

Thats about it I think, I am spending most of my time at the moment on Earthcam, http://www.earthcam.com/usa/nevada/lasvegas/index.php?cam=htzonelv5

We rung grandad one day told him we were by the camera, to get online and see if he could see us, it took a while, but he saw us standing there on cam8, dads mate also saw us, 10 minutes later my dad got a txt, it was a pic his mate had sent, of us standing there, really cool!

Its my birthday, I hate it

I turn 21 next week. My sister turned 18 yesterday and all the family are here friday night.

I thought it was just for her birthday, like I'd asked for it to be months ago. But mum has just got in with one of them birthday cakes, with the baby photo on it. I'm not pissed off, I'm more upset tbh. I've told her so many times, I dont want anything special for my birthday, I dont want a party, I dont want a cake I dont even want presents. What I really want is for it to go by like any other day.

She's gone off on one about how ungratefull I am, cant be ungratefull when someone has gone out and done exactly what you already said you dont want, can you? I cant be the only who sees it like this? Surely it should be up to the person who's birthday it is, what they do for it?I hate my birthday, it's by far the most depressing day of the year, and when the family are all here I find it humiliating.

Aren't your mates coming? Doing anything special with them for it??
Got a job yet?
Wheres your girlfriend, have you got one yet??

All conversations I can look forward to on my 'special' day, I honestly aint far from crying right now

Big news, no one bothered to tell me

So, last night, there was a knock on the door, my cousin and her boyfriend, had some news, they're expecting a baby. Lovely. I was upstairs listening to music when they knocked, and while they were telling everyone the news, I wasn't being rude, no one actually bothered to call me down.

I only knew someone was here after about 20 mins, I hadn't had a shower or 'owt, didn't really want to see people, so went upstairs to my mum and dads room, put tele on, laid on the bed and pretended to be asleep, until they'd gone.

I just could not face going down to them, and my family, and pretending to be happy for her infront of everyone, after they'd gone I txt her saying congratulations and so on.

I know I chickened out of going down to them, but no one even bothered to call me down for the news. If you go through the effort of driving around all the family, fairly late at night, then wouldn't you ask if the person missing was in or not? It's really bothered me


More good news, I've been called up for jury service, yay.

New Year

So I felt like getting some stuff off my chest, having nobody to talk about it to obviously! Can't believe I havn't posted anything here since November, I'm sure I did something between Christmas and New Year but apparerntly not.

Anyway Christmas went ok, Nan and Grandad were here Christmas Eve till the 27th, it's nice to have them here, feels a bit more special, other than that there was lots of food and drink and it was probably pretty simular to all of yours!

New Year was pretty crap, there are real tensions in the family at the moment. It started when my uncle didn't turn up at that funeral in October, it hasn't been forgotten and he keeps saying things and you're stood there knowing your not the only one thinking "your talking bollocks!"

Two biggest things, the whole family went to watch my younger cousin play football one night, he's finally getting somewhere with it, playing for a real clubs youth team at a proper ground. But when my uncle was asked if they'd come, he said, "Oh, I don't know what we'll be doing". This was the day before the game, if you don't have any plans for a wednesday night then you're only going to be indoors watching tele ain't ya. So they didn't turn up. But New Years he was telling my cousin how much he does want to see him play, so much infact that he didn't turn up that night or at any games since.

The other big thing, holidays. A few years back there was a plan for the whole family, nan & grandad, aunt's, uncles and cousins to go off to Florida for a couple of weeks, brilliant! N&G weren't too old, all the kids were a nice age and we could afford it. Untill booking it of course, all of a sudden my Uncle, by far the most well off of us all, couldn't afford it. So it fell apart and didn't happen.

Nothing was mentioned untill my grandads 75th last year, when my uncle let slip that he'd never go to America, no interest in it, just a big themepark as he put it. So my Dad bought up Florida, turns out he'd never planned on going. Imagine how happy everyone was to hear that.

Anyway, my Aunt turns 40 this year, and she wanted to go New York, my uncle agreed, aslong as the kids don't go, she didn't like the idea of that, and mentioned Florida, the family has pretty much made her book it, they go in August lol. I'm glad, every kid should get to go once. But it's very upsetting to be talking about my uncle like this. When I was young and didn't have anything to do with my dad, my uncle was there, when my other uncle left my aunt, he was there for my cousins, you could really feel that everything wasn't right New Years Eve, I didn't even get drunk, but did end the night with my head down the bog, throwing up, perfect!

And I have as always become obsessed with Big Brother again, I love Amy, she has to win

I need the internet!

For the past four days, thats right, FOUR, I have had no internet. I seriously can't live without it. They were some of the most depressing days I've had, and its even depressing to think just how much I need this thing.

We switched from BT to TalkTalk, if any of you are thinking about it, then stop. Stick with BT, yeah you do have to pay for it, but it does work. TalkTalk is free for a reason! It is half sorted now(only one pc is connected), after four hours on the phone to India being lied to and passed around from one idiot to another.

So we had our photo done, all in all it was ok, I can even say I enjoyed it! It has been confirmed that I can't smile and look at a camera, it just don't happen, my lips just do funny things and I look a twat. Also I can't control my shoulders, everyone told me to hold my shoulders up, I did, only to be told I was doing it wrong, another thing I just can't do! We were in this studio for 2 hours in total! We aren't the smallest bunch of grandchildren, and at one point the photographer thought a pyramid would be a good idea! It was painfull! We just mucked about while our mum stood there, ahhh, ain't it lovely... n so on. We eventually settled on a picture, which I think we're getting today.

Other than that, nothing has happened, can't get any work, the agency I joined a few weeks back is shit, I have rung them most weeks and never have my calls returned or have I actually spoke to my advisor.

Can't wait for the holidays to come and go, way to depressed about them, I can't even be bothered to put my normal ridiculous amount of lights up!

Got to have photo taken

So all the grandkids are having a big photo taken tonight, a gift to the grandparents for xmas. We had one taken about 13 years ago, and then another 10-11 years ago. But some bright spark decided we should have one now we're all grown up. And now we're all grown up, we have to dress up smart!

I don't do smart, the idea behind my clothes is to just mix into the background, never standout or look like any thought or effort went into what I'm wearing. So you'll never see me outside the house in anything other than a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. Thats what I'm comfortable in and it looks fine. So tonight I'm wearing a smart dark pair of jeans, and a shirt. But it's an old work shirt, it's smart, but it's a work shirt. Know what I mean? My cousins are normal, they go to clubs n so on. They have smart/casual shirts to wear, I'm going to look like such a twat. I'm dreading it, really am.

I have been using sweatstop for the past 6 months or so, and it did me proud through the summer, but tonight is it's big test. Me wearing a white shirt, around lots of people, all looking at me, having my photo taken, it makes for a very wet, sweaty photo. Just hope it holds up ok

Done with therapy

So I have stopped seeing my therapist, it was quite a hard thing to do, but I do think its for the best. In the end it just wasn't worth it. I'd been seeing her for 10 months and it had no positive effect on my life, and after my last session my uncle saw me. He didn't see me actually come out of the centre, but I was too far down the road to have come from anywhere else. I couldn't face him, the traffic crossing was turning from green to red so I legged it across the road, made it clear I had earphones so I couldn't hear him calling me, and walked as fucking quick as I could. I turned round a few minutes later and he had crossed and followed me, long way behind though, so I went into the main shopping mall, I think he gave up and turned round then. I hid in there for 10 minutes then got my bus. Pretty shitty thing to do I know, but I had no excuse for being down there.

Anyway my therapist, such a lovely girl, I'm really gonna miss her. But I think that was the problem in the end. I don't get out much, havn't had a girlfriend in a very long time and I was going to the sessions for the wrong reasons. It was just a chance for me to spend an hour a week, with a beautiful girl who seemed to care about me, even if it was just part of her job. I think it's called tranference or something like that. A patient mistakes their doc asking questions about how they feel etc, for genuine feelings, or something like that. Anyway think thats where I went wrong. I had to take a cd back to her after we'd stopped having sessions, and she was as lovely as ever! I still think she does really care, or she's just a bloody good actor :-) I tried to tell her why I'd decided not to come anymore, didn't go into it in too much detail, just said it wasn't working for me, told her I appreciated all she'd done. I tried to tell her how great she was, on a personal level, not just as a doctor, know what I mean? But I don't think she took me too seriously, just told her she was lovely and if I'd had to have seen another doc I probably would never have come back after my 1st session. I think she knew what I was trying to get across. So she gave me a little hug, which raised the eyebrows of the receptionist who was listening in, and that was that, end of my therapy.